Living and Leaving the Phantom of Korea

Wednesday, June 9, 2010 In Seoul, Heidi’s place, enroute to Toccoa

I cannot believe the amazing time Heidi and I had last evening!!!!! I bought tickets last week for the 8pm showing of Phantom of the Opera in Seoul – in KOREAN, but Row 8!!!!!! We were SO close! I couldn’t see the balcony but at least the floor seat did not fill up – it was only about 75% full. But when the show started, I found it hard to believe that it’s not sold out every night!!! It was BREATHTAKING. I nearly had a heart attack 3 times in the first 20 minutes! I couldn’t believe the caliber of the play. INCREDIBLE acting and singing. Seriously, nobody can compare to Michael Crawford but this guy was great and Raoul and Christine were AWESOME. And you know, somehow I think this was the most intense version I’ve seen yet. I think it was the Korean flair. They’re such a people for drama and they’re way intense about their horrors and romances – it was perfect for this story. Let me tell you, I’ve seen the play 3 times and the movie countless, but I was on the edge of my seat!!! I just cannot express how amazing that experience was for me. It was cool to see Heidi get so excited too – she’s never seen it on stage before. I’m just glad this was one of the last things I did in Korea. It’s a good last memory.

So I’m sitting in a coffee shop close to Heidi’s house. She’s teaching at her school right now and I get to just hang today. We’ll go out and do something fun tonight – my last night living in Korea. And I think later this afternoon I’ll be taking her computer to the Apple store to see if they can fix it. But it’s weird to be spending this much time in limbo – still here but moved out, going home. It’s definitely taken the stress out of leaving and allowed me to simply soak in my surroundings. That’s what would have made me sad – being rushed and not looking around for the last time. Currently I have no regrets as I fly out tomorrow – that’s pretty amazing. There are things I didn’t do but nothing I’m super sad about. I’m still slightly anticipating a breakage of tears on the plane but maybe not. We’ll see when and if the 2X4 hits me.

Speaking of 2X4s, I was talking to Laurie this morning already and she challenged me to completely let go of control of my emotions for a few weeks – let them run rampant if they will. I was just trying to explain to her that I am a pretty even-keeled person and I LIKE being that way, but sometimes that makes me feel like I don’t have deep emotions – that I don’t FEEL anything deeply. Or that I’m not allowed to show deep emotion because that goes against my supposed even-keeled personality that everyone knows and expects. But I AM deep, and I DO feel things deeply and I CAN show emotion without NOT being who I am (unruffled, calm, even-tempered). That was what she was telling me and convincing me of. And I believe her. But as we’ve identified, I “close doors” on a lot of things – either because I don’t want to deal with them and sweeping them under the rug is easier, or because I feel I’m not allowed those things so I get rid of them as soon as possible, and a myriad of other reasons.
But over the past few weeks, as we’ve talked and I’ve experienced a departure with all the goodbyes and leaving people and things behind, I’m coming to understand that emotional investment REQUIRES truth, honesty, and even intensity. Humans were meant to be passionate about things – the question is, WHERE will you invest that passion? If emotion goes toward the rollercoaster of reacting to sudden anger or frustration or just riding the highs and lows of everyday experiences, that’s where it contradicts the even-keeled person that I am and want to be. But if I’ve invested in PEOPLE, I have the right, even the privilege, of feeling and reacting strongly. I want and need to express and share my heart with people that mean the most to me. I’ve never been really good at this – I seem to have only shallow blah things to say to people at moments when it really counts. And I do hate that. But this weekend I’ve seen that things aren’t buried as deep in me as I thought. I was able to speak my heart to a number of people – coworkers AND students. This is why I can say that I am leaving Korea with no regrets. Because just as Jesus poured out His Spirit on His followers after He left and as God pours out His love on us day after day, so I must pour out my heart in love and passion for people. That means more than just remaining unruffled and calm all the time. That means LETTING things that are important to me cause strong emotion in me. It’s not a bad thing to show that – it doesn’t have to conflict with the calm personality that I want to have. In fact, it only makes me a stronger and more real person. I THINK. I’m still figuring all this out.
So my job is just to let emotion happen. Embrace the grief when it comes, cuz it WILL come. And not be afraid to let people know how I’m feeling. Especially when it’s someone that I should take the time, energy, and emotion to write a note to, or call on the phone. I sometimes avoid doing that because it’s easier to just shut the door on missing that person, on the work and emotion it takes to keep up with them. But I WILL not do that this time. This is worth the 2 years I’ve invested. I will not be cheated out of the joy of FELLOWSHIP by my constipated emotions.

Goodbye Korea. I will severely miss you.

Dealing with Doors, pt. 2: A Revelation

I'm feeling a little sentimental. Again, riding the bus to a soccer game. And thinking about my life. You know, maybe this is why I don't feel like soccer has been too time-consuming - because it has actually afforded me time to settle and think. Granted, even now, my thoughts go all over the visible universe. But as I was going through my apartment door this morning, I was thinking how sometimes I still can't believe I live here - that I'm out on my own, holding a job, living in my own place. I just forget it sometimes and I don't think of myself as that old. But here I am. And realizing that I am going to grieve over leaving Korea. It's a completely different feeling than missing my home, or if I was Korean and leaving Korea. But there are so many things that have become familiar to me - whether funny or just very Korean. We just stopped at a rest area and saw a bevvy of women in hamboks. So different from the States!
Anyway, I can already predict that there will be tears later this year.
I was talking with Sarah about leaving and she was commenting on how she will really miss these girls cuz she's built into them so much. I thought about how rewarding relationship with kids can be and how I'll remember my middle schoolers forever. No matter how annoying I find them on a given day, they are imprinted on my heart. I never want to go too long at any point in my life without having some kind of connection to kids, especially middle to high school. If I had a job where I am only working with adults or really little kids then I'll get involved in a youth group. Maybe I'll get involved anyway. I just am coming to realize why education is so important to me and why I'll always be engaged in some form of it - because I think the formative and school years are so key and relationships can be so real and meaningful and impacting. Who wants to hang out with only their peers all the time? I want older mentors and families of all levels in my life. No corporate, cold, business world for me! I want to always be building into young girls' lives just as mind is being and has been built into. THAT'S where LIFE is at. As hard as it is to have kids constantly moving in and out of your life, I'd rather have that and find ways to stay connected across the world, then to have no engagement with kids. Maybe cuz mine was so awesome - I want to make others' younger years awesome too. I'm having a little mental trouble doing that as a teacher in a classroom, although it is very possible and I feel very connected to a lot of them anyway. I want to make more direct impact on the quality of students' lives through being more of a one-on-one specialist - that's where speech therapy comes in. Although I know from talking to special needs teachers, they get tired of their few kids and want a wider range of kids. I don't know how that's going to affect me but I THINK my personality is "fewer but deeper." I don't think I'll mind knowing fewer students. And if I do, I'll find ways to widen my influence, like being plugged into a church for sure.
I've determined that I'm going to work my butt off and become the best at this that I can be. I want to REALLY know my stuff and make a real difference.
I was thinking about things that I could do when I'm living in Augusta or Athens, and how it'd be awesome to be able to have high school girls over to my apartment for stuff. I'm learning and will continue learning logistics that go with being responsible - a sponsor for things, like checking with parents and communicating and organizing, etc. And it occurred to me that I am slowly moving from being a needy, dependant child to being a contributing adult. I'm not totally there, and I will never stop needing people. But for example, in Bolivia, I needed the Kienzles to take me in - I clung to that when they held it out. I'm not that needy child anymore. I am becoming the adult who will extend that to someone else now. I am slowly becoming the one who has the wisdom and experience of living. Yes, I'm only 22 but there are many, many people younger than me. And if I keep taking from those older and iwser, I will continue to HAVE to GIVE again to those younger. I love the way the Body works!!

Wednesday, April 7

On the way to another away soccer game on Wednesday. I keep missing the same classes so today, I made a video of myself for E block.
Anyway, Sarah usually goes around and "catches up" with individual girls to make sure they're doing ok in life and are pumped up for the game. I hit a couple girls today too, which was fun - Esther, Marlee, Joyce, Jiin, Heeyeong. It was nice to talk to them about something other than soccer.
Oh, too many thoughts going in my head - I can't get them out on paper. Maybe it's because I'm listening to a new Ingrid Michaelson CD - Sarah Dainsberg sounds a lot like her.
You know, it's almost 10 hours that I spend on soccer trips like this. And most of them are spent without too much thinking that happens at least about myself. When I'm watching soccer I'm focused on that. Maybe the reason I don't process is because I have a one-track mind. I can't effectively work through more than one thing at a time. And there's always something else that I need to be thinking about.
Andrea, Jenny, Heeyeong. All on my heart for different reasons. Heeyeong's been sitting across from me talking to me for the last 10 minutes - she's a joy. She's really seeking the Lord in her life. She's in Erin's dorm. Jenny just dumped a bunch of deep life stuff on Sarah - had a breakdown of sorts. I feel my nightmare last night was to make me pray for her.
And Andrea - she's on Erin's heart too. She's a diehard Buddhist and doesn't see her need for Jesus. But she is such an incredible person and so fun to have around. So loving and compassionate. It's hard to know that her spiritual heart is empty.

Dealing with Doors, pt. 1

I'm going to start timing my writing to make sure that I write at least 20 minutes a day. I tell my students they need to read at least 30 minutes a day to improve themselves and I've decided for me, it's writing. I need to express myself. I feel good when I write.

To get into it deeper, there are several reasons why I might have been avoiding writing. The first reason is that it's work. Cuz it is. And today, I worked my butt off for over 12 straight hours. I don't want to work anymore.
BUT...in reality, writing is freeing. It's relaxing, if I let it be.
So, reason #1: BUSTED

Reason #2: It takes too much time. This actually goes into the next reason because I know WHY I think it takes too much time. Also, when I set myself 20 minutes, EVERYBODY has 20 minutes.
So, Reason #2: BUSTED

Reason #3: I have doors that I like to keep closed and they might get opened if I start writing about myself. I can't start writing cuz who knows what might come tumbling out from behind those doors. BUT...I have a processing disorder. No, really. I have a fear and inability to process a lot of things, at least in a timely manner. I need to start dealing with these doors one at a time or things will start festering behind them. Even if it takes time.
So, Reason #3: BUSTED

You know, I was just thinking about how much leadership experience I've had in the last 10 years of my life. Just the sheer volume of opportunities I've had to be in leadership or making decisions or planning or guiding. I'm 22 years old, and I can say without bragging that I have confidence. I still do many stupid things and I still lose it and get overwhelmed and stressed. But I know how hold and conduct myself. I know how to take charge of things. (I know HOW; I'm not the best) I know how to be in front of people. I don't fear a lot of things that a lot of people do or even that I USED to. But I think I've closed a lot of doors in this whole process and I'm a little scared of THEM. And I haven't taken a close enough look to decide whether they were good doors to close - things in me that I don't need anymore, or if they are doors I need to air out regularly - process, think, deal. I saw an intense example tonight of what pent-up emotions can do.
So I'm going to try and regularly go through doors that are part of me and write for at least 20 minutes, 5 times a week. Topics forthcoming.

Today

I’m going through so much these days. I don’t even know how to process it all. I feel like I’m getting so much input and I have no way to think through it, much less apply it! But the reason is, not only is God continuing to work in my life and place things in my path to teach me, but now I have grown in my desire and pursuit of those challenges and teachings and lessons from Him. So I’m getting them from all sides! My life is DEFINED by learning and growing in Him and I am SO excited about that. It’s funny that I can say that because even while I can sit here and say I’m excited and point to things about which I am pumped, I also must say that I am in a funk at the same time. Knowing more about God means knowing more about yourself and that’s often not a pretty thing. I don’t think I’ve EVER learned so much about myself as I have in the past 3 months of being in a relationship. A lot of things have been neutral – just truths about who I am. And while obviously the fact that because I’m learning to relate to Matt, all these things are about OUR relationship, I have also felt so keenly the sense of God’s hand on my heart, guiding me in relating to HIM. Erin mentioned today that she is seeing more and more why Christ and the church is compared to marriage – marriage truly is the perfect picture of how the church relates to Christ and how true love works.

I am so grateful for Matt. Right now, it doesn’t much matter whether we end up together or not – as flippant and ridiculous as that sounds (because of COURSE I care). I would not give this time up for the world. He has been such a vital part of my life and he has affected me so greatly, that even if we have to go through the pain of separating, it will have been worth it. I will have no regrets. This is exactly where I should be, and all the issues and tough stuff and pain and wounds that I am going through and that we will continue to work through and talk about TOGETHER, are shaping me and are exactly what I feel I need to refine some of the crusty, stale habits and assumptions out of my life. God knows exactly what He is doing. I can already see so much of it and I cannot WAIT to see what else He is doing that I CAN’T see yet. My faith is not on man. It’s on the Lord – what He’s accomplished in the past, what He is doing in the present, and what He’s promised for the future.