Living and Leaving the Phantom of Korea

Wednesday, June 9, 2010 In Seoul, Heidi’s place, enroute to Toccoa

I cannot believe the amazing time Heidi and I had last evening!!!!! I bought tickets last week for the 8pm showing of Phantom of the Opera in Seoul – in KOREAN, but Row 8!!!!!! We were SO close! I couldn’t see the balcony but at least the floor seat did not fill up – it was only about 75% full. But when the show started, I found it hard to believe that it’s not sold out every night!!! It was BREATHTAKING. I nearly had a heart attack 3 times in the first 20 minutes! I couldn’t believe the caliber of the play. INCREDIBLE acting and singing. Seriously, nobody can compare to Michael Crawford but this guy was great and Raoul and Christine were AWESOME. And you know, somehow I think this was the most intense version I’ve seen yet. I think it was the Korean flair. They’re such a people for drama and they’re way intense about their horrors and romances – it was perfect for this story. Let me tell you, I’ve seen the play 3 times and the movie countless, but I was on the edge of my seat!!! I just cannot express how amazing that experience was for me. It was cool to see Heidi get so excited too – she’s never seen it on stage before. I’m just glad this was one of the last things I did in Korea. It’s a good last memory.

So I’m sitting in a coffee shop close to Heidi’s house. She’s teaching at her school right now and I get to just hang today. We’ll go out and do something fun tonight – my last night living in Korea. And I think later this afternoon I’ll be taking her computer to the Apple store to see if they can fix it. But it’s weird to be spending this much time in limbo – still here but moved out, going home. It’s definitely taken the stress out of leaving and allowed me to simply soak in my surroundings. That’s what would have made me sad – being rushed and not looking around for the last time. Currently I have no regrets as I fly out tomorrow – that’s pretty amazing. There are things I didn’t do but nothing I’m super sad about. I’m still slightly anticipating a breakage of tears on the plane but maybe not. We’ll see when and if the 2X4 hits me.

Speaking of 2X4s, I was talking to Laurie this morning already and she challenged me to completely let go of control of my emotions for a few weeks – let them run rampant if they will. I was just trying to explain to her that I am a pretty even-keeled person and I LIKE being that way, but sometimes that makes me feel like I don’t have deep emotions – that I don’t FEEL anything deeply. Or that I’m not allowed to show deep emotion because that goes against my supposed even-keeled personality that everyone knows and expects. But I AM deep, and I DO feel things deeply and I CAN show emotion without NOT being who I am (unruffled, calm, even-tempered). That was what she was telling me and convincing me of. And I believe her. But as we’ve identified, I “close doors” on a lot of things – either because I don’t want to deal with them and sweeping them under the rug is easier, or because I feel I’m not allowed those things so I get rid of them as soon as possible, and a myriad of other reasons.
But over the past few weeks, as we’ve talked and I’ve experienced a departure with all the goodbyes and leaving people and things behind, I’m coming to understand that emotional investment REQUIRES truth, honesty, and even intensity. Humans were meant to be passionate about things – the question is, WHERE will you invest that passion? If emotion goes toward the rollercoaster of reacting to sudden anger or frustration or just riding the highs and lows of everyday experiences, that’s where it contradicts the even-keeled person that I am and want to be. But if I’ve invested in PEOPLE, I have the right, even the privilege, of feeling and reacting strongly. I want and need to express and share my heart with people that mean the most to me. I’ve never been really good at this – I seem to have only shallow blah things to say to people at moments when it really counts. And I do hate that. But this weekend I’ve seen that things aren’t buried as deep in me as I thought. I was able to speak my heart to a number of people – coworkers AND students. This is why I can say that I am leaving Korea with no regrets. Because just as Jesus poured out His Spirit on His followers after He left and as God pours out His love on us day after day, so I must pour out my heart in love and passion for people. That means more than just remaining unruffled and calm all the time. That means LETTING things that are important to me cause strong emotion in me. It’s not a bad thing to show that – it doesn’t have to conflict with the calm personality that I want to have. In fact, it only makes me a stronger and more real person. I THINK. I’m still figuring all this out.
So my job is just to let emotion happen. Embrace the grief when it comes, cuz it WILL come. And not be afraid to let people know how I’m feeling. Especially when it’s someone that I should take the time, energy, and emotion to write a note to, or call on the phone. I sometimes avoid doing that because it’s easier to just shut the door on missing that person, on the work and emotion it takes to keep up with them. But I WILL not do that this time. This is worth the 2 years I’ve invested. I will not be cheated out of the joy of FELLOWSHIP by my constipated emotions.

Goodbye Korea. I will severely miss you.