I'm feeling a little sentimental. Again, riding the bus to a soccer game. And thinking about my life. You know, maybe this is why I don't feel like soccer has been too time-consuming - because it has actually afforded me time to settle and think. Granted, even now, my thoughts go all over the visible universe. But as I was going through my apartment door this morning, I was thinking how sometimes I still can't believe I live here - that I'm out on my own, holding a job, living in my own place. I just forget it sometimes and I don't think of myself as that old. But here I am. And realizing that I am going to grieve over leaving Korea. It's a completely different feeling than missing my home, or if I was Korean and leaving Korea. But there are so many things that have become familiar to me - whether funny or just very Korean. We just stopped at a rest area and saw a bevvy of women in hamboks. So different from the States!
Anyway, I can already predict that there will be tears later this year.
I was talking with Sarah about leaving and she was commenting on how she will really miss these girls cuz she's built into them so much. I thought about how rewarding relationship with kids can be and how I'll remember my middle schoolers forever. No matter how annoying I find them on a given day, they are imprinted on my heart. I never want to go too long at any point in my life without having some kind of connection to kids, especially middle to high school. If I had a job where I am only working with adults or really little kids then I'll get involved in a youth group. Maybe I'll get involved anyway. I just am coming to realize why education is so important to me and why I'll always be engaged in some form of it - because I think the formative and school years are so key and relationships can be so real and meaningful and impacting. Who wants to hang out with only their peers all the time? I want older mentors and families of all levels in my life. No corporate, cold, business world for me! I want to always be building into young girls' lives just as mind is being and has been built into. THAT'S where LIFE is at. As hard as it is to have kids constantly moving in and out of your life, I'd rather have that and find ways to stay connected across the world, then to have no engagement with kids. Maybe cuz mine was so awesome - I want to make others' younger years awesome too. I'm having a little mental trouble doing that as a teacher in a classroom, although it is very possible and I feel very connected to a lot of them anyway. I want to make more direct impact on the quality of students' lives through being more of a one-on-one specialist - that's where speech therapy comes in. Although I know from talking to special needs teachers, they get tired of their few kids and want a wider range of kids. I don't know how that's going to affect me but I THINK my personality is "fewer but deeper." I don't think I'll mind knowing fewer students. And if I do, I'll find ways to widen my influence, like being plugged into a church for sure.
I've determined that I'm going to work my butt off and become the best at this that I can be. I want to REALLY know my stuff and make a real difference.
I was thinking about things that I could do when I'm living in Augusta or Athens, and how it'd be awesome to be able to have high school girls over to my apartment for stuff. I'm learning and will continue learning logistics that go with being responsible - a sponsor for things, like checking with parents and communicating and organizing, etc. And it occurred to me that I am slowly moving from being a needy, dependant child to being a contributing adult. I'm not totally there, and I will never stop needing people. But for example, in Bolivia, I needed the Kienzles to take me in - I clung to that when they held it out. I'm not that needy child anymore. I am becoming the adult who will extend that to someone else now. I am slowly becoming the one who has the wisdom and experience of living. Yes, I'm only 22 but there are many, many people younger than me. And if I keep taking from those older and iwser, I will continue to HAVE to GIVE again to those younger. I love the way the Body works!!
Saturday, April 10, 2010
Wednesday, April 7
On the way to another away soccer game on Wednesday. I keep missing the same classes so today, I made a video of myself for E block.
Anyway, Sarah usually goes around and "catches up" with individual girls to make sure they're doing ok in life and are pumped up for the game. I hit a couple girls today too, which was fun - Esther, Marlee, Joyce, Jiin, Heeyeong. It was nice to talk to them about something other than soccer.
Oh, too many thoughts going in my head - I can't get them out on paper. Maybe it's because I'm listening to a new Ingrid Michaelson CD - Sarah Dainsberg sounds a lot like her.
You know, it's almost 10 hours that I spend on soccer trips like this. And most of them are spent without too much thinking that happens at least about myself. When I'm watching soccer I'm focused on that. Maybe the reason I don't process is because I have a one-track mind. I can't effectively work through more than one thing at a time. And there's always something else that I need to be thinking about.
Andrea, Jenny, Heeyeong. All on my heart for different reasons. Heeyeong's been sitting across from me talking to me for the last 10 minutes - she's a joy. She's really seeking the Lord in her life. She's in Erin's dorm. Jenny just dumped a bunch of deep life stuff on Sarah - had a breakdown of sorts. I feel my nightmare last night was to make me pray for her.
And Andrea - she's on Erin's heart too. She's a diehard Buddhist and doesn't see her need for Jesus. But she is such an incredible person and so fun to have around. So loving and compassionate. It's hard to know that her spiritual heart is empty.
Anyway, Sarah usually goes around and "catches up" with individual girls to make sure they're doing ok in life and are pumped up for the game. I hit a couple girls today too, which was fun - Esther, Marlee, Joyce, Jiin, Heeyeong. It was nice to talk to them about something other than soccer.
Oh, too many thoughts going in my head - I can't get them out on paper. Maybe it's because I'm listening to a new Ingrid Michaelson CD - Sarah Dainsberg sounds a lot like her.
You know, it's almost 10 hours that I spend on soccer trips like this. And most of them are spent without too much thinking that happens at least about myself. When I'm watching soccer I'm focused on that. Maybe the reason I don't process is because I have a one-track mind. I can't effectively work through more than one thing at a time. And there's always something else that I need to be thinking about.
Andrea, Jenny, Heeyeong. All on my heart for different reasons. Heeyeong's been sitting across from me talking to me for the last 10 minutes - she's a joy. She's really seeking the Lord in her life. She's in Erin's dorm. Jenny just dumped a bunch of deep life stuff on Sarah - had a breakdown of sorts. I feel my nightmare last night was to make me pray for her.
And Andrea - she's on Erin's heart too. She's a diehard Buddhist and doesn't see her need for Jesus. But she is such an incredible person and so fun to have around. So loving and compassionate. It's hard to know that her spiritual heart is empty.
Tuesday, April 6, 2010
Dealing with Doors, pt. 1
I'm going to start timing my writing to make sure that I write at least 20 minutes a day. I tell my students they need to read at least 30 minutes a day to improve themselves and I've decided for me, it's writing. I need to express myself. I feel good when I write.
To get into it deeper, there are several reasons why I might have been avoiding writing. The first reason is that it's work. Cuz it is. And today, I worked my butt off for over 12 straight hours. I don't want to work anymore.
BUT...in reality, writing is freeing. It's relaxing, if I let it be.
So, reason #1: BUSTED
Reason #2: It takes too much time. This actually goes into the next reason because I know WHY I think it takes too much time. Also, when I set myself 20 minutes, EVERYBODY has 20 minutes.
So, Reason #2: BUSTED
Reason #3: I have doors that I like to keep closed and they might get opened if I start writing about myself. I can't start writing cuz who knows what might come tumbling out from behind those doors. BUT...I have a processing disorder. No, really. I have a fear and inability to process a lot of things, at least in a timely manner. I need to start dealing with these doors one at a time or things will start festering behind them. Even if it takes time.
So, Reason #3: BUSTED
You know, I was just thinking about how much leadership experience I've had in the last 10 years of my life. Just the sheer volume of opportunities I've had to be in leadership or making decisions or planning or guiding. I'm 22 years old, and I can say without bragging that I have confidence. I still do many stupid things and I still lose it and get overwhelmed and stressed. But I know how hold and conduct myself. I know how to take charge of things. (I know HOW; I'm not the best) I know how to be in front of people. I don't fear a lot of things that a lot of people do or even that I USED to. But I think I've closed a lot of doors in this whole process and I'm a little scared of THEM. And I haven't taken a close enough look to decide whether they were good doors to close - things in me that I don't need anymore, or if they are doors I need to air out regularly - process, think, deal. I saw an intense example tonight of what pent-up emotions can do.
So I'm going to try and regularly go through doors that are part of me and write for at least 20 minutes, 5 times a week. Topics forthcoming.
To get into it deeper, there are several reasons why I might have been avoiding writing. The first reason is that it's work. Cuz it is. And today, I worked my butt off for over 12 straight hours. I don't want to work anymore.
BUT...in reality, writing is freeing. It's relaxing, if I let it be.
So, reason #1: BUSTED
Reason #2: It takes too much time. This actually goes into the next reason because I know WHY I think it takes too much time. Also, when I set myself 20 minutes, EVERYBODY has 20 minutes.
So, Reason #2: BUSTED
Reason #3: I have doors that I like to keep closed and they might get opened if I start writing about myself. I can't start writing cuz who knows what might come tumbling out from behind those doors. BUT...I have a processing disorder. No, really. I have a fear and inability to process a lot of things, at least in a timely manner. I need to start dealing with these doors one at a time or things will start festering behind them. Even if it takes time.
So, Reason #3: BUSTED
You know, I was just thinking about how much leadership experience I've had in the last 10 years of my life. Just the sheer volume of opportunities I've had to be in leadership or making decisions or planning or guiding. I'm 22 years old, and I can say without bragging that I have confidence. I still do many stupid things and I still lose it and get overwhelmed and stressed. But I know how hold and conduct myself. I know how to take charge of things. (I know HOW; I'm not the best) I know how to be in front of people. I don't fear a lot of things that a lot of people do or even that I USED to. But I think I've closed a lot of doors in this whole process and I'm a little scared of THEM. And I haven't taken a close enough look to decide whether they were good doors to close - things in me that I don't need anymore, or if they are doors I need to air out regularly - process, think, deal. I saw an intense example tonight of what pent-up emotions can do.
So I'm going to try and regularly go through doors that are part of me and write for at least 20 minutes, 5 times a week. Topics forthcoming.
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