Dealing with Doors, pt. 2: A Revelation

I'm feeling a little sentimental. Again, riding the bus to a soccer game. And thinking about my life. You know, maybe this is why I don't feel like soccer has been too time-consuming - because it has actually afforded me time to settle and think. Granted, even now, my thoughts go all over the visible universe. But as I was going through my apartment door this morning, I was thinking how sometimes I still can't believe I live here - that I'm out on my own, holding a job, living in my own place. I just forget it sometimes and I don't think of myself as that old. But here I am. And realizing that I am going to grieve over leaving Korea. It's a completely different feeling than missing my home, or if I was Korean and leaving Korea. But there are so many things that have become familiar to me - whether funny or just very Korean. We just stopped at a rest area and saw a bevvy of women in hamboks. So different from the States!
Anyway, I can already predict that there will be tears later this year.
I was talking with Sarah about leaving and she was commenting on how she will really miss these girls cuz she's built into them so much. I thought about how rewarding relationship with kids can be and how I'll remember my middle schoolers forever. No matter how annoying I find them on a given day, they are imprinted on my heart. I never want to go too long at any point in my life without having some kind of connection to kids, especially middle to high school. If I had a job where I am only working with adults or really little kids then I'll get involved in a youth group. Maybe I'll get involved anyway. I just am coming to realize why education is so important to me and why I'll always be engaged in some form of it - because I think the formative and school years are so key and relationships can be so real and meaningful and impacting. Who wants to hang out with only their peers all the time? I want older mentors and families of all levels in my life. No corporate, cold, business world for me! I want to always be building into young girls' lives just as mind is being and has been built into. THAT'S where LIFE is at. As hard as it is to have kids constantly moving in and out of your life, I'd rather have that and find ways to stay connected across the world, then to have no engagement with kids. Maybe cuz mine was so awesome - I want to make others' younger years awesome too. I'm having a little mental trouble doing that as a teacher in a classroom, although it is very possible and I feel very connected to a lot of them anyway. I want to make more direct impact on the quality of students' lives through being more of a one-on-one specialist - that's where speech therapy comes in. Although I know from talking to special needs teachers, they get tired of their few kids and want a wider range of kids. I don't know how that's going to affect me but I THINK my personality is "fewer but deeper." I don't think I'll mind knowing fewer students. And if I do, I'll find ways to widen my influence, like being plugged into a church for sure.
I've determined that I'm going to work my butt off and become the best at this that I can be. I want to REALLY know my stuff and make a real difference.
I was thinking about things that I could do when I'm living in Augusta or Athens, and how it'd be awesome to be able to have high school girls over to my apartment for stuff. I'm learning and will continue learning logistics that go with being responsible - a sponsor for things, like checking with parents and communicating and organizing, etc. And it occurred to me that I am slowly moving from being a needy, dependant child to being a contributing adult. I'm not totally there, and I will never stop needing people. But for example, in Bolivia, I needed the Kienzles to take me in - I clung to that when they held it out. I'm not that needy child anymore. I am becoming the adult who will extend that to someone else now. I am slowly becoming the one who has the wisdom and experience of living. Yes, I'm only 22 but there are many, many people younger than me. And if I keep taking from those older and iwser, I will continue to HAVE to GIVE again to those younger. I love the way the Body works!!