How, not Why

You asked me yesterday
If I would trust You
If I would be willing to
Lift the corners of my life
For You to enfold between Your hands.

Now I know “what”
And I don’t need “why”
It’s the “how” I’m swimming in
I am of unclean lips
And I fall short of You
How many miracles must I ask You to do?

Overwhelmed, incapacitated,
Feelings of unworthiness
I look down and wonder “how?”
I know You are able even when I am not
But I am burdened by shackles of doubt.

You and You only are holy
You and You only are worthy
And You gave Yourself for me
I am consumed by the I AM
Now I become part of this Worthy One
And He has made me worthy!!

Reading on the beach?

I’m thankful we’re leaving for Florida tomorrow. I love being at home but because I live at home during school too, it’s hard to truly relax because I always feel like I should be doing something. It seems like I always have something I have to remember or stress about. Being away from home takes all responsibility away. I think I need that, just for this week.

And I’m so excited that I get to be with my favorite cousins and my wonderful grandparents all week! And that I get to read until my eyeballs fall out…but I’ve found that I read much slower than I used to. That’s bad because I have quite a lot of it to do in the next few months! Too many literature classes…you’d think I was an English major or something! ;)

Ok, so I’m weird, but I was tired of my mouth today. Not because there was too much coming out of it or going into it. But my lips just kept getting in the way. Like, every time I would consciously think about it, my lips would be in some weird position, just sticking out anywhere they wanted to (good thing I was working alone upstairs in the library!). They felt so uncomfortable and I just wanted to tie them up somehow. Ok, so that was the weirdest thing I’ve ever written.

Some Thoughts from Recent Months Past

July
I’m feeling convicted to give up all of my time and dreams and selfish comforts and toss them to the wind because somebody said it would help another person. Will I see the fruits of my sacrifice? Maybe. Maybe not. Is that enough for me? It should be because Jesus has promised blessings for those who have faith. I think that when the Bible talks about faith, there are several different contexts. It’s all faith in Jesus Christ ultimately, but I was reading this morning about how faith in the future is important and how faith in the coming salvation will be rewarded as well. So maybe another “folder” in Faith is having faith that because Jesus called me to sacrifice and service, He will not let that service fall by the wayside – He will use it for His glory whether I ever see it or not. “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen.” Heb. 11:1. So I’m giving out something that’s valuable to me – my time – and having faith in sometimes unseen fruit. Does this mean I’ll always do it? No. But I press on towards the goal to attain that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus (Phil. 3:12). “Be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” (I forget where that one is). I want to strive so very much. I know I’ll fall, I know it. But because of God’s grace and because I am in Christ, my heart is filled with an “inexpressible and glorious joy” (I Pet. 1:8) which can never be taken away from me!!

August
I’m scared of being real. I’m scared of the work it’s going to take. I was telling this to Bethany last night and I realized (and categorically mentioned) that I am mostly just too lazy to open up. It takes work and most of the time, I’m too selfish to bother. What a hoot. But I know that I’m not going to grow or change unless I’m willing to look and see what needs changing. I’ve seen and experienced that now. I’m afraid of not being changed. I’m afraid of stagnancy. Good grief, just earlier this summer, I was pondering how I was hearing all my friends talk about their fears and thinking that I didn’t have any or at least not very many and wondering how I got off without being a fearful person. Now that has been blown out of the water. I probably have more fears than my friends combined. Did they all just come over the summer? The summer wasn’t that scary. No, I think they were always there and I have just now dug deep enough to see them. Isn’t that weird? I’ve always been too scared to dig deep – that was the only fear I might have admitted to having, and now that I’ve conquered it enough to dig, I’m only finding more shovels full of fears, new ones to face. That’s what I get for my labors. Why does this bother me so much? Why am I being so negative about everything when most of this is run-off from the summer, which was absolutely amazing and life-changing and GOOD? Why am I so full of questions right now when two weeks ago, all I had were ecstatic statements of joy and lessons learned and new thoughts? I’ve written questions all my life and this summer they were finally being answered, I thought. Why am I right back where I was? Nothing had changed when I came back and it’s hard to live changed when your environment is the same old drag that it’s always been. What am I saying? I do love this place and I wouldn’t trade it for the world and I’m so glad I have this, my TFC chapter – a microcosm of CRWW, at least my group.
Why are people such difficult things? Gosh, they’re the most complicated thing on this planet. Is it because God is complicated? I mean, we are in His image, aren’t we? But you know, sometimes I think that the reason I get so negative in these writings and when I just sit and think about things is because life is like pain. Thinking about it and waiting for expected pain is almost worse than the pain itself, when it comes. Same with life. Thinking about it and worrying about what is about to come is way worse than when you are actually in the situation, living in real time. So if we know this, why do we still let it be worse to think about it and worry about it? Because that’s who I am, a thinker, an analyzer, a worrier. I will probably never stop, as long as I’m human.
So, what, then? What comes of all this? I need the body of Christ. In a bad way. I’m seeing my need for people like never before. I always knew that I probably want the approval of people more than is healthy but now I’m seeing that I NEED to be needy – in a good way, but to open up and be vulnerable is to depend on and trust in others. Eef. Here goes nothing.

To Mexico

Excerpts from my reflections on Mexico letter...
The trip was so much more than I could ever have imagined. It’s hard to imagine in advance what a missions trip will be like and all the experiences that will be involved. I knew the basics of what we as a group would be doing but God took us and accomplished so much more than our human plans. The 48 of us, ages 12-82, arrived at the orphanage in Reynosa Monday morning and were able to immediately start getting to know the children there. There were around 50 orphans, ranging from age 3 to 17 and they loved to just hang out in the courtyard around the building when they weren’t in school – playing soccer, basketball, drawing at the picnic tables, painting fingernails, or just talking. Even though many of us could not speak Spanish, and therefore could not carry on a conversation with a child, our group leader reminded us often of the importance and impact of just loving on the kids – hugging them, playing with them, just touching them – all without words. This could be very frustrating at times when I couldn’t even ask a child a simple question. But our Lord and His love surpasses language barriers, and even being able to learn single words here and there with the aid of the children helped me to connect with them and show Christ’s love by being interested and involved in their lives. One of the things that really blessed me personally was watching other members of the team interact with the children. It was obvious that God really brought to this team people with a heart for children and for that ministry.
One of the coolest things was getting to see the body of Christ at work in a very tangible way. With so many different ages in the members on our team, not everyone was able to do everything. But I saw how the younger members would run around and play basketball with the orphans, ministering to them in that way; and I saw those who were older on our team able to minister by just holding the little orphans on their laps or sewing little bean bags for them or helping cook a great meal. It was truly a real-life example of how there are all different parts of the body and they all have different jobs but the body needs every single one of them to function properly.
I was really impacted by the complete destitution and poverty that we encountered. In addition to working with the orphanage, our team was able to do several outreaches to the slum sections of the city, called “The Colonials.” We would break into teams and walk through the rows and rows of thin, dirty, wood shacks with only sheets for doors. The children (of which there seemed to be an infinite number!) would come streaming out to get candy from us or to grab a person’s hand and just follow along with the group. The leaders who knew Spanish would share with any adults who came out that there would be a service and soup kitchen later on that night. Being in the middle of all this, the reality of the hopelessness and fear that grips this world hit me pretty hard. And yet, at the times when I felt the most depressed by all the poverty, I would see a child smile at me or a mother hug her son and I realized that God is infinitely present even when all seems darkness and destitution. He has not left these people alone. Even though I was not able to do a lot, I saw that if I am obedient to whatever God calls me, every action, no matter how small it seems to me, will further His kingdom. This is exciting to me and just deepens my desire to continue following my Savior as I prepare for the future and seek Christ’s heart in serving others.

A Moment in the Shadow

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.

They who seek my life will be destroyed;

they will go down to the depths of the earth.

They will be given over to the sword

and become food for jackals.

But the king will rejoice in God;

all who swear by God's name will praise him,

while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

--Psalm 63

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This is why I want to spend a Moment in the Shadow - I want to rest in my Savior. Oh to be consistent in recognizing the need to daily hide beneath His wing! Why do I try to do it all myself? Lord, arrest my heart. I want to give it all to You.

To Begin

I was reading the blogs of two ladies whom I really admire so I decided to get one of my own, if only to be able to post on theirs. I don't plan on having many people read this but it will be good for me since I have found that I often do not have time to journal on a regular basis. Typing is obviously faster so maybe this will motivate me, even though this will not be my journal. Often it helps to just think life through and write stuff down sometimes.

Who knows what kinds of random things will come out on here? :) I plan on putting in selected, meaningful pictures every once in awhile as well. That's all.