Graceful

My attempt at an alliterative meter poem. I was duly inspired this morning by a Bible study I was doing. My words flow much better in my head in this kind of structure!!! Still a few flaws though...


Everything good is God's grace
Every hand we hold, we have
Because God bestows grace upon grace
So when He says, Sufficient is my grace
You must understand you have more than you need
If salvation alone was the scope of God's gifts
What right have we to whine unsatisfied
He has given us life! His love eternal
This power goes deeper than you can possibly dream
I'm writing, you're reading; what wondrous grace!
You're thinking, I'm smiling; oh thoughtful blessing!
Do you see what He means when He says it's enough?
To each one is a portion; His plan is at work
Each grace is different, but the Giver loves children
Who embrace weakness and bury their bodies
In Christ and His love, crying, dying
And knowing He stands with strength in His hands
A Lamb bound, with blessings forever
Above and beyond what we ask or imagine.

Surfing the Tides

I could describe the last 48 hours as wonderful. many pleasant things have occured in them. so i've been happy today. and tonight. even in this, hour 3 1/2 of library monotony. my happiness, however, is not based on the good things that happen. as much as my emotions go up and down with the tide, i think my happiness is separate from my emotions. and happiness is separate from joy. I can define and point to all three in my life. I'm not really sure what that means or what the import of it is. What I do know is that I heard last night from a wise woman, "Don't trade peace for happiness. Don't trade security for excitement." Oh, truth.

I'm trying to write an alliterative meter poem right now. I was inspired by Dr. Williams and the structure fits my style. However, inspiriation is also up and down. I don't think i could ever be a journalist. Half my work or more would be crap.

I wonder what would happen if I compared the time I spend thinking about the past with the time I spend thinking about the future. Either one would outweigh the present, I think, which is not so good. I wonder if people ever move out of one stage or the other (past or future). It's a young/old thing. Is there a middle time?

I ate lunch with a friend of mine today, who seems to accept my advice on anything and everything. She sought me out at the beginning of the semester and has been initiating get-together times. I love this and she's an awesome girl but I would never have thought of her (before) as someone that I would ever get to know or who would even be interested in getting to know me. But not only does she apparently want to, she completely opens up and trusts me with a lot of stuff. It's just been a little strange for me and I've had to be careful that I'm not projecting myself or my views on her too much, even though she's asking for them. But with people like this, is where I wax controlling and self-righteous. I need people like CK who are direct enough to come to me and tell me when i'm wrong. Oh, keep me humble.

There's too much to think of and organize. I'm trying to do applications for ISC for next fall, while completing budgets and support letters for SAM for the spring. that's coming way too quick. And yet not quick enough. This time is the worst!! The anticipation is always way worse than the event itself. Just get me there. I want to see if I can really be a world traveler and an international resider.

Distortions and Truth: The Mask Replaced

So this is what people do with new Mac computers. You can always tell. Distortions and frequent posing for no reason. This is Erin's and you'll just have to decide for yourself whether this is productive, bonding or just stupid. ;)

So can I just say that I don't know what I, as a person, would do without other people. Three things happened in the last 24-hours that have either changed my perspective or affected my attitude about my life. First of all, and the least impactive one, was collaborating this morning in one of my classes with three of my classmates on ideas for activities in a lesson plan. Sounds simple but sometime I dread having to come up with interesting, creative, and productive games. I'm just not that kind of thinker. But working with others really gets my juices flowing and we had a great time! So that's pretty small. But I had a conversation last night with Crystal (Erin part of the time, but she was dozing) about art and language and literature and emotion and expressing self and how all this fits into the life of a believer in Jesus. In talking to her about all this and sharing how I've been realizing that one of my main love languages is physical touch (which I did not realize), I started thinking about what I've been doing lately. I've been focusing a lot on myself. I got so disillusioned with the "mask" and people (myself included) not being truthful that I was trying to be "truthful" to everything about me and IN everything I did. Well, that turns out to be a BAD decision because I've been focusing everything on myself and how I feel and how I react, blah blah blah. It's made everything worse!!! I've been using art, specifically language, to be an emotional outlet for me, but in the wrong way. Crystal and I were talking about the line between using art as a way to reach people's emotions and help them through issues or whatever, but how that fits in with how it's really not about us or emotions; it's about God and His unswerving truth. However, we came to the conclusion that the reason there is such a thing as art therapy among other things and why it's important for Christians is because that's where people go (or one of the places) to find answers. As followers of the Way, we have the TRUE answers; we need to be reaching people IN THEIR NEED and loving them in the Truth!! This can be done in such a powerful way through the arts. So, all this started me thinking on how I use MY art - language and literature. And I realized, like I said before that it's an emotional outlet for me but only as it focuses on myself. I don't use it as therapy for my "nerves" or whatever (which Crystal says she does when she paints) - I end up putting my emotions into words, which sometimes helps but not when I only focus on ME and on my negative thoughts and feelings. I feel like they never go away -that's all I have to write about. I'm not channeling my emotional energy into something productive - I'm simply making myself feel better for the moment. Crystal turns her emotions into a beautiful painting that usually doesn't have anything to do with her negative emotions or whatever she was feeling - it was the actual act of painting that helped her work through those feelings to reach a state of calmness and rationality. This, I need to start doing. I have produced nothing worthwhile except a bunch of venting, emotional, individualistic poems. This is why it hasn't satisfied me and why I've been feeling like I can't find emotional stability. First of all, because I can't look for it in anything but Jesus Christ and His truth. But also because I was actually feeding my INstability by channeling it right back on me, instead of using it for the benefit of others and the glory of God. Phew!! That was a lot to realize in one night (or maybe just to explain in words).

Ok, so the other thing that has happened that I am so grateful for is my time with Carole Shust this morning. We eat lunch together every week - she's mentoring me. I kinda told her a little bit about my revelation from last night and we just went off of that. We had been talking about patience the last time and how really, patience is so much more than just waiting. It is actively "remaining under" (that's the Greek definition or something). It's active!! Patience? Active? Oh yes, it is possible. And beautiful. It's not simply bearing just to get by. It is applying your mind to the state you need to be in, right that minute. So anyway, we started talking about it in another context because I was asking her about a statement I had heard; that "Faith is Application." What does that mean? Cuz the verse that keeps ringing in my head is Heb. 11:1 where it says that "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." That doesn't seem like application or action to me. It seems like it's just head knowledge. And so many times, I have the head knowledge and I dont' know how to move it to the heart and to action. I know that James says that faith is action, that it should lead to good works. But what about my head? So often, that's where the battle is, which is what I see Eph. 6 referring to, at least in part, where it says that our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers of the dark realm. Satan attacks me most in my head!! My thoughts, my knowledge - that's where I stumble the most. So what we figured out was, that faith is always actIVE (adjective) but that it is not always acted out physically. Meaning, Faith is NEVER passive. Obedience is NEVER passive. Trust is NEVER passive. Like I illustrated before, even Patience is never passive! But it's not always in your observable action! How do you act out Trust? By sitting back and not doing anything : "Well, it's all up to God anyway! Gotta just zone out cuz I can't do anything. I'm trusting God!" NO!!! We actively apply our MINDS to Scripture and to the knowledge of who God is, His character and THIS is what brings us peace! Not our inaction because we are told that God is in control; instead, action in our minds. This is how head knowledge should be applied - our minds can be the action. Apply yourself to truth, not just to ignoring whatever it is you're dealing with, or singing loud enough to forget the problem, cuz we're told to have peace. Peace is not ignorance. Peace is found in TRUTH!!!! And Truth is Jesus Christ. Straight up, guys, straight up.

Confusion Populaire

I can't get my mind straightened out about a bunch of things right now. Maybe a little too deep for something like this but everything that's been thrown at me recently has only served to add to my questions, doubts, insecurity. Especially about myself as a person. I'm not asking "Who am I?" but rather "What do I know about myself that really counts for anything?" Sometimes I tell myself that I think too much, just shut up and live life. But to do that, I would have to continue and succeed at squelching the rebellion in my heart. Yes, rebellion. I don't know how to respond to the things and people around me except the way I always have and I find myself doing it still - good, respectful, caring, intelligent. But it's almost as if there's a little demon on my shoulder watching and laughing cruelly at my attempts to be someone I've always thought is real. The other day, I pulled in next to a black truck and I said, "That truck almost looks like a demon!" And my brother says, "It is." It was so matter-of-fact I couldn't help but laugh. But now I feel like someone else is laughing at ME, as if nothing I do makes sense anymore.

This is so totally seperate from what I feel during classes. There I feel like a machine, who can think and appreciate (most of) the information that is being transmitted and nod and amen at the stuff I'm told I will need desperately when teaching. I'm frustrated with the disjunction I feel between not wanting to be a teacher anymore and the knowledge I know I have to be quite a capable teacher. My emotions, my everyday life, my singular experiences tell me that I don't want to be a teacher, that I barely have enough to exist, that I can't retain what is necessary to make any kind of impact, that I could never withstand the rigors of what I really do desire to do - work with teens. They tell me that I care more about what I'm feeling and the woe-is-me experiences than I do disciplining myself to become the kind of person that I can respect, first of all, and also that others can respect. I'm disappointed in myself every day. And yet I do nothing about it. So can I really say that I believe in God's grace and it's all-sufficient powers and can I really claim that I want it and I'm letting Him bestow it on me? Not so much.

I just feel rejected. It's a phase, I know, but I still feel like everything and everyone is turning me down, even myself. I think I desire change and revolution but then I reject those feelings by not allowing those things to come. I feel all words and thoughts bursting inside me but they come out garbled mumbo jumbo, not expressive of the original. I don't even know what the original is. Truth about myself and others has become relative. I know God's truth is steadfast but it doesn't seem to affect me much or carry over into my life. I asked my dad today how we are supposed to be able to live in the fullness of who God is and in the entirety of His truth and goodness every single day, all the time. He made a good point that we don't - we seek Him in the moments, for what each moment requires of the truth. But this doesn't help me grasp what I feel like I need or want to know right now. I feel like I'm seeking help and truth, but do I REALLY want it? Is that why He is not blessing me with answers? Or am I missing it? And I've done THAT before.

I just wish there was more to me, but that it was less confusing.

Reserve

Why do girls
See first the eyes
Though eyes are first
In line of sight
There might be rhyme
Behind that quirk.

For me with you
Those pools are veiled
Unfathomed green
Not blue but true
So full of light
They blink polite
Shifting what dark may be...

I'll stare right back
And seek what's there
I want to know
There's more to you
But eyes tell I
If more, I too.

What must you show?
How do I draw
A line to my flaws
But not flaunting who
I think I am
Can I trust you
To draw in time?
I'll fake some patience until then...

Two Eyes on Sunset

Instant glow on the horizon
Warms freshly as its color
Shadows starkly resonating
Gliding gently down to fade
The sky shrugs down
To cover the blush
And rest for tomorrow’s thunder.

Goodbye, hidden sunlight.

Light blows bated breath
Waiting for the clouds to part
Always at the read to leap through
And shock an unsuspecting hill below
The clouds are slow
But they don’t mind
And dress exuberant when finally moved.

Goodbye, unbidden sunlight.

Suspension

Waiting in the wings
Tugging on the strings
Giving the heart a squeeze;
Forging on a path
Expending its wrath
On the unseen trails of a breeze.

What breathes there, around the bend
What heaves there, expecting the end
Of the suspension and cable
Which is more than its able
The mind can only hold so much future.

What to prepare for
What might I look for
When I don't know the plans of the Lord?
But I trust in the grace
And I'm in love with the truth
My name in the Lamb's book is stored!

Unwalked

She smiles for joy
Her madman is found
He spoke the sound
She waited for,
They’re now girlfriend and boy.

She could be sure
Though he says no
To make it so
Seems all lines draw
But is time mature?

Some unknown things
Could scare the crap
Out of any chap
Or a girl, after all
But it seems I have wings

…It’s just one of those things…

No what to expect
Trepidation and fear
Inexperience is near
Also selfishness and pride
What word is correct?

Unwalked is this line
But two become one
If they’re one with the Son
The impossible is reached
For love is divine.

Of Three in One Day: To Gain, Renew, and Lose

1.
A wall of cold
Was I too bold
For you and rolled
The wrong way, but sudden you grin, not mad
At me, and use my name, I'm glad.

2.
I saw you out there, confused and hurt
We pulled you in and said it's okay to cry
You became one of us, heart and soul, eye to eye
Fun, Mother spunk, you could make a story fly
But then she died, cold and dry you became,
Distant you existed, I missed your eyes for their flame
For those seven other kids, mom and sister the same
But tonight you bounce in
And ask for a pen
We're getting you back for another round, 'nother try.

3.
Strange emotions tugged my heart
Those glorious moments in the dark
But scared of my wrong, I pulled back and wrote
To tell what I meant and to borrow your coat
We came back, it was good, were my fears just a fart?
But we're better off separate and not in the same boat
Tonight the last straw, I hear the last note.

All
What have I lost? What have I gained?
Communion anew, though some motion strained
I've learned and I've loved; stuck my hand in thin air
and saw what it means to just show that you care
I know I will fail and others will too
But nothing beats love; love tried and love true.

In the end, it was God; God is love, He has proved
Everything's changing, but it's me He has moved.

Poems

Full Circle

Seeds scattered
A life transplanted
She serves Him, seeks
Him, sees Him, knows
Him, and is known
To be of grace and
Gentleness, it seems
That all is right and
Perfect family and
Friends, shown and proven
Character, the values
Embedded of a life
Dedicated.

Surprise and good
Talks to him ever
Seeing more and yet
Not seeing past the
Present which he makes
Of strings, nice strings
Strings feel good, needed
She was; always leading
Keeping silent of her yet
Giving out the wrong parts
Ended up yelling but
Only near his face
Was always there
Deadicated.

Ever to never more
Shore is reached for
In despairing, halfhearted
Attempts where she sees
And shares, unlistened to
Frustrated, then placated
Ever come back to strum
At this fish once more
Than needed, now to
Sever, hurt and pain
Loss or no gain? Strain
Another time around the circle?
Dreadicated.

Sovereign brought in dear
Came along, a moment of perfect
Time and space to cry
And die and try and
Stand that dear stood for
Her strength to lengthen
The days running alongside
Of her endearing she
Took comfort of the faithful
Full prayer, warmth, seeing
The mighty clearly works
His hand for love which she obeys
Dedicated.




Hawk

A brilliant white
A shocking swath
Streaking down, crossing sight
Bearing bellies black as night.

Brazen will
Blazing strong
Across the air, tipping tops
Struggle seeming, never stop.

A sudden slide
A bomb nose dive
Slipping silent, almost thoughtless
Feathers rippling, wings with tautness.

A hawk alone
Hunts by day
A flock of hawks seems out of place
Connecting lives from time and space?

A Squatter's Tale

I lost my cell phone last night. No, like, not "Which pile in my room did I bury it under?" But really, truly, I lost it. I figured it was gone forever. Here's what happened. I went hiking and campfiring with some friends and we went up to Little Falls. To start a fire, we had to gather wood (thank you, Captain Obvious) so I went off in one direction with my little Maglite and starting making piles to carry back. Later, we squatted around the fire and cooked hot dogs, mountain pies and marshmellows, along with some finger flesh, eyebrows, and knuckle hair. Lots of fun. But anyway, at some point, I realized that moving logs, sliding down treacherous slopes in 3 feet of wet leaves, and squatting were NOT conducive to having left my cell phone in my pocket. It definitely decided to abandon me at some point during those activities. But because I had no idea when or where, I decided not to say anything and make the others look for it, even though they all happened to have blazing halogen lamps strapped to their heads, for which they were only making use of to find spiders in the leaves and ooh and aah over how the spiders' eyes stick out. So with a heavy heart, I kept silent and trudged home, going to bed with the weary and martyrish thought that I would get up early the next morning and go back by myself to look for it, having very little hope. Well, I did just that this morning and as I was hiking back to the falls, i thought that maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson about how not to be dependent on my cell phone. I figured I probably wouldn't find it and I would have to live for awhile cut off from the world. :O ;) ;) I decided it was a just punishment; I would look for it but I would just have to not find it. (a continuation of the martyr theme, idiot that I am) Well, I brought a rake with me and retraced my steps to the place where I had been dragging logs around and falling over myself in the dark and started sifting through the leaves. It seemed an impossible task because the hillside where I had been was big and the leaves were thick and deep. Then a song popped into my head - that old hymn, "All things are possible; Only believe." Well, I certainly didn't deserve the impossible but wouldn't you know, about 10 minutes into my search, I sifted to the bottom of a pile of leaves, and there it was, face down in the dirt (oh by the way, i had brought my mom's cell phone along to call it but it just happened to be on silent, darn it). Still on, a little damp, but unscathed. Jeepers, I probably would have been better off without it and yet God allowed me to find it. Well, I think the lesson still soaked through for me and I will keep that in mind whenever I find myself depending on my cell phone too much.
The moral of the story? 1, Trust in the Lord, not in cell phones and 2, Don't leave your cell phone in a shallow jeans pocket when you're doing things like....squatting. :)
(oh yeah, and the addition of a new Murphy's Law: your phone will ALWAYS be on silent when you lose it!)
The End.

Glorious

What is this beauty and mystery that is taking shape before my eyes? What is this allure in my mind toward something I never understood before? How easy it was for me to miss truth and yet, how could I? I am so blind. God wants me! I never could see how God could be so desperately and incurably relational. Everything He has done proves His desire for me to know Him. And I’m not talking about just knowing who God is and raising my hands to Him way up there in shiny Heaven (thanks, Matt O). This is down and dirty, intimate, all-stops-out, LOVE.I’ve been learning a lot this weekend. Crossroads Winter Conference in Gatlinburg, TN – workshops, services, discipleship, community – in all, God worked to peel away layers of misguided assumptions about who He is and what this really is all about. Two things really stand out to me – two things my heart cannot keep silent about.
A lot was said this weekend about how our culture tells us to view ourselves. Even in the Christian circle, a lot goes around about self-image and esteem and how we should love ourselves because we are special in God’s eyes and a bunch of other crap. Then there’s more that says, “It’s not about me, it’s about Christ,” which is totally true but what does that mean? If you think about it, there is nothing good in our flesh, so why would we want to esteem it or “believe in it” anyway? But many times, in fact most of the time, even when I think I can claim that I’m doing it all for Christ, I am still thinking of myself. Obviously, I’m not perfect but my point is that the focus should be on who CHRIST IS, not who I am. A speaker from this weekend said something that sums this up: “HE is the Person, we are just the Environment.” (Scott Pitts) He pointed out that we often get that tragically mixed up. He is the life that came to take over mine, it is His righteousness. Since I have no claim to my life anymore, there is nothing I can do. What self of me is there to love or esteem anymore? Goodbye, self-help, -worth, -image, -esteem, etc., books, one and all, even “Christian” ones! I don’t want to know myself, find myself, or any other excuse; I want to know Christ and Him crucified.
The other thing that has just been incredible to learn about this weekend is “glory.” The glory of God. What is the glory of God? Matt Orth gave two messages on this topic, based on John 1:14, and this new perspective has me wheeling. I’m not even sure how to sum it up because there was so much depth to understanding. But I’ve never understood how to glorify God. I mean, REALLY glorify God. It’s something everyone says and everyone assumes to be the highest calling, “…to GLORIFY God…” We say that to live our lives the best that we can, and pray and read our Bibles, and try to love other people, that this is glorifying to God. And it is. But there’s so much more to glory! The Glory is in the grace and truth of Jesus Christ! Why did God reveal His glory in Jesus Christ? To make the Father KNOWN to us! He didn’t send “glory” down to earth so He could get MORE glory from His “subjects” seeing how big He is and worshipping Him and doing whatever He commanded. The point of “glory” is in John 17. There’s a bunch of glorifying going on there but the point is that we can be ONE and be ONE with the Father and be part of the Father’s LOVE. The most glorious act was Jesus’ death on the cross. Doesn’t sound very glorious? Well, it was, because that is what ripped the curtain and brought us into direct relationship with God. Christ was the exact representation of God (Heb. 1:3) so by bringing Him to earth and glorifying Him, we have the chance to truly know Him. We can know Him because He saved us, oh glorious thought! Back to John 1:14 – He was full of grace and truth, which was the exact representation of God and His glory. John is saying, “I saw the glory of GOD in His Son Jesus Christ and it was His covenant LOVE!” We’ve become His children and now we can know the Father and THIS is the greatest glory. Dang it, it’s going to get even better!! 2 Cor. 3:12ff: we can reflect this glory if we live IN CHRIST (Eph. 1) because He is the glory of God. The grace and truth and mercy, etc, that is in Jesus Christ should be reflected in our lives. We are in relationship with the most glorious God imaginable. And what does He want? What is the most glorious thing to Him? Revealing Himself to us so that we can know Him and love Him, because He already knows and loves us. Jeepers!!! This is way better than we thought! Come on! Whatcha gonna do about it?