Some Thoughts from Recent Months Past

July
I’m feeling convicted to give up all of my time and dreams and selfish comforts and toss them to the wind because somebody said it would help another person. Will I see the fruits of my sacrifice? Maybe. Maybe not. Is that enough for me? It should be because Jesus has promised blessings for those who have faith. I think that when the Bible talks about faith, there are several different contexts. It’s all faith in Jesus Christ ultimately, but I was reading this morning about how faith in the future is important and how faith in the coming salvation will be rewarded as well. So maybe another “folder” in Faith is having faith that because Jesus called me to sacrifice and service, He will not let that service fall by the wayside – He will use it for His glory whether I ever see it or not. “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen.” Heb. 11:1. So I’m giving out something that’s valuable to me – my time – and having faith in sometimes unseen fruit. Does this mean I’ll always do it? No. But I press on towards the goal to attain that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus (Phil. 3:12). “Be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” (I forget where that one is). I want to strive so very much. I know I’ll fall, I know it. But because of God’s grace and because I am in Christ, my heart is filled with an “inexpressible and glorious joy” (I Pet. 1:8) which can never be taken away from me!!

August
I’m scared of being real. I’m scared of the work it’s going to take. I was telling this to Bethany last night and I realized (and categorically mentioned) that I am mostly just too lazy to open up. It takes work and most of the time, I’m too selfish to bother. What a hoot. But I know that I’m not going to grow or change unless I’m willing to look and see what needs changing. I’ve seen and experienced that now. I’m afraid of not being changed. I’m afraid of stagnancy. Good grief, just earlier this summer, I was pondering how I was hearing all my friends talk about their fears and thinking that I didn’t have any or at least not very many and wondering how I got off without being a fearful person. Now that has been blown out of the water. I probably have more fears than my friends combined. Did they all just come over the summer? The summer wasn’t that scary. No, I think they were always there and I have just now dug deep enough to see them. Isn’t that weird? I’ve always been too scared to dig deep – that was the only fear I might have admitted to having, and now that I’ve conquered it enough to dig, I’m only finding more shovels full of fears, new ones to face. That’s what I get for my labors. Why does this bother me so much? Why am I being so negative about everything when most of this is run-off from the summer, which was absolutely amazing and life-changing and GOOD? Why am I so full of questions right now when two weeks ago, all I had were ecstatic statements of joy and lessons learned and new thoughts? I’ve written questions all my life and this summer they were finally being answered, I thought. Why am I right back where I was? Nothing had changed when I came back and it’s hard to live changed when your environment is the same old drag that it’s always been. What am I saying? I do love this place and I wouldn’t trade it for the world and I’m so glad I have this, my TFC chapter – a microcosm of CRWW, at least my group.
Why are people such difficult things? Gosh, they’re the most complicated thing on this planet. Is it because God is complicated? I mean, we are in His image, aren’t we? But you know, sometimes I think that the reason I get so negative in these writings and when I just sit and think about things is because life is like pain. Thinking about it and waiting for expected pain is almost worse than the pain itself, when it comes. Same with life. Thinking about it and worrying about what is about to come is way worse than when you are actually in the situation, living in real time. So if we know this, why do we still let it be worse to think about it and worry about it? Because that’s who I am, a thinker, an analyzer, a worrier. I will probably never stop, as long as I’m human.
So, what, then? What comes of all this? I need the body of Christ. In a bad way. I’m seeing my need for people like never before. I always knew that I probably want the approval of people more than is healthy but now I’m seeing that I NEED to be needy – in a good way, but to open up and be vulnerable is to depend on and trust in others. Eef. Here goes nothing.