Today

I’m going through so much these days. I don’t even know how to process it all. I feel like I’m getting so much input and I have no way to think through it, much less apply it! But the reason is, not only is God continuing to work in my life and place things in my path to teach me, but now I have grown in my desire and pursuit of those challenges and teachings and lessons from Him. So I’m getting them from all sides! My life is DEFINED by learning and growing in Him and I am SO excited about that. It’s funny that I can say that because even while I can sit here and say I’m excited and point to things about which I am pumped, I also must say that I am in a funk at the same time. Knowing more about God means knowing more about yourself and that’s often not a pretty thing. I don’t think I’ve EVER learned so much about myself as I have in the past 3 months of being in a relationship. A lot of things have been neutral – just truths about who I am. And while obviously the fact that because I’m learning to relate to Matt, all these things are about OUR relationship, I have also felt so keenly the sense of God’s hand on my heart, guiding me in relating to HIM. Erin mentioned today that she is seeing more and more why Christ and the church is compared to marriage – marriage truly is the perfect picture of how the church relates to Christ and how true love works.

I am so grateful for Matt. Right now, it doesn’t much matter whether we end up together or not – as flippant and ridiculous as that sounds (because of COURSE I care). I would not give this time up for the world. He has been such a vital part of my life and he has affected me so greatly, that even if we have to go through the pain of separating, it will have been worth it. I will have no regrets. This is exactly where I should be, and all the issues and tough stuff and pain and wounds that I am going through and that we will continue to work through and talk about TOGETHER, are shaping me and are exactly what I feel I need to refine some of the crusty, stale habits and assumptions out of my life. God knows exactly what He is doing. I can already see so much of it and I cannot WAIT to see what else He is doing that I CAN’T see yet. My faith is not on man. It’s on the Lord – what He’s accomplished in the past, what He is doing in the present, and what He’s promised for the future.