A Moment in the Shadow

Living and Leaving the Phantom of Korea

2010-06-08T20:13:00.000-07:00

Wednesday, June 9, 2010 In Seoul, Heidi’s place, enroute to Toccoa

I cannot believe the amazing time Heidi and I had last evening!!!!! I bought tickets last week for the 8pm showing of Phantom of the Opera in Seoul – in KOREAN, but Row 8!!!!!! We were SO close! I couldn’t see the balcony but at least the floor seat did not fill up – it was only about 75% full. But when the show started, I found it hard to believe that it’s not sold out every night!!! It was BREATHTAKING. I nearly had a heart attack 3 times in the first 20 minutes! I couldn’t believe the caliber of the play. INCREDIBLE acting and singing. Seriously, nobody can compare to Michael Crawford but this guy was great and Raoul and Christine were AWESOME. And you know, somehow I think this was the most intense version I’ve seen yet. I think it was the Korean flair. They’re such a people for drama and they’re way intense about their horrors and romances – it was perfect for this story. Let me tell you, I’ve seen the play 3 times and the movie countless, but I was on the edge of my seat!!! I just cannot express how amazing that experience was for me. It was cool to see Heidi get so excited too – she’s never seen it on stage before. I’m just glad this was one of the last things I did in Korea. It’s a good last memory.

So I’m sitting in a coffee shop close to Heidi’s house. She’s teaching at her school right now and I get to just hang today. We’ll go out and do something fun tonight – my last night living in Korea. And I think later this afternoon I’ll be taking her computer to the Apple store to see if they can fix it. But it’s weird to be spending this much time in limbo – still here but moved out, going home. It’s definitely taken the stress out of leaving and allowed me to simply soak in my surroundings. That’s what would have made me sad – being rushed and not looking around for the last time. Currently I have no regrets as I fly out tomorrow – that’s pretty amazing. There are things I didn’t do but nothing I’m super sad about. I’m still slightly anticipating a breakage of tears on the plane but maybe not. We’ll see when and if the 2X4 hits me.

Speaking of 2X4s, I was talking to Laurie this morning already and she challenged me to completely let go of control of my emotions for a few weeks – let them run rampant if they will. I was just trying to explain to her that I am a pretty even-keeled person and I LIKE being that way, but sometimes that makes me feel like I don’t have deep emotions – that I don’t FEEL anything deeply. Or that I’m not allowed to show deep emotion because that goes against my supposed even-keeled personality that everyone knows and expects. But I AM deep, and I DO feel things deeply and I CAN show emotion without NOT being who I am (unruffled, calm, even-tempered). That was what she was telling me and convincing me of. And I believe her. But as we’ve identified, I “close doors” on a lot of things – either because I don’t want to deal with them and sweeping them under the rug is easier, or because I feel I’m not allowed those things so I get rid of them as soon as possible, and a myriad of other reasons.
But over the past few weeks, as we’ve talked and I’ve experienced a departure with all the goodbyes and leaving people and things behind, I’m coming to understand that emotional investment REQUIRES truth, honesty, and even intensity. Humans were meant to be passionate about things – the question is, WHERE will you invest that passion? If emotion goes toward the rollercoaster of reacting to sudden anger or frustration or just riding the highs and lows of everyday experiences, that’s where it contradicts the even-keeled person that I am and want to be. But if I’ve invested in PEOPLE, I have the right, even the privilege, of feeling and reacting strongly. I want and need to express and share my heart with people that mean the most to me. I’ve never been really good at this – I seem to have only shallow blah things to say to people at moments when it really counts. And I do hate that. But this weekend I’ve seen that things aren’t buried as deep in me as I thought. I was able to speak my heart to a number of people – coworkers AND students. This is why I can say that I am leaving Korea with no regrets. Because just as Jesus poured out His Spirit on His followers after He left and as God pours out His love on us day after day, so I must pour out my heart in love and passion for people. That means more than just remaining unruffled and calm all the time. That means LETTING things that are important to me cause strong emotion in me. It’s not a bad thing to show that – it doesn’t have to conflict with the calm personality that I want to have. In fact, it only makes me a stronger and more real person. I THINK. I’m still figuring all this out.
So my job is just to let emotion happen. Embrace the grief when it comes, cuz it WILL come. And not be afraid to let people know how I’m feeling. Especially when it’s someone that I should take the time, energy, and emotion to write a note to, or call on the phone. I sometimes avoid doing that because it’s easier to just shut the door on missing that person, on the work and emotion it takes to keep up with them. But I WILL not do that this time. This is worth the 2 years I’ve invested. I will not be cheated out of the joy of FELLOWSHIP by my constipated emotions.

Goodbye Korea. I will severely miss you.

Dealing with Doors, pt. 2: A Revelation

2010-04-10T18:03:00.000-07:00

I'm feeling a little sentimental. Again, riding the bus to a soccer game. And thinking about my life. You know, maybe this is why I don't feel like soccer has been too time-consuming - because it has actually afforded me time to settle and think. Granted, even now, my thoughts go all over the visible universe. But as I was going through my apartment door this morning, I was thinking how sometimes I still can't believe I live here - that I'm out on my own, holding a job, living in my own place. I just forget it sometimes and I don't think of myself as that old. But here I am. And realizing that I am going to grieve over leaving Korea. It's a completely different feeling than missing my home, or if I was Korean and leaving Korea. But there are so many things that have become familiar to me - whether funny or just very Korean. We just stopped at a rest area and saw a bevvy of women in hamboks. So different from the States!
Anyway, I can already predict that there will be tears later this year.
I was talking with Sarah about leaving and she was commenting on how she will really miss these girls cuz she's built into them so much. I thought about how rewarding relationship with kids can be and how I'll remember my middle schoolers forever. No matter how annoying I find them on a given day, they are imprinted on my heart. I never want to go too long at any point in my life without having some kind of connection to kids, especially middle to high school. If I had a job where I am only working with adults or really little kids then I'll get involved in a youth group. Maybe I'll get involved anyway. I just am coming to realize why education is so important to me and why I'll always be engaged in some form of it - because I think the formative and school years are so key and relationships can be so real and meaningful and impacting. Who wants to hang out with only their peers all the time? I want older mentors and families of all levels in my life. No corporate, cold, business world for me! I want to always be building into young girls' lives just as mind is being and has been built into. THAT'S where LIFE is at. As hard as it is to have kids constantly moving in and out of your life, I'd rather have that and find ways to stay connected across the world, then to have no engagement with kids. Maybe cuz mine was so awesome - I want to make others' younger years awesome too. I'm having a little mental trouble doing that as a teacher in a classroom, although it is very possible and I feel very connected to a lot of them anyway. I want to make more direct impact on the quality of students' lives through being more of a one-on-one specialist - that's where speech therapy comes in. Although I know from talking to special needs teachers, they get tired of their few kids and want a wider range of kids. I don't know how that's going to affect me but I THINK my personality is "fewer but deeper." I don't think I'll mind knowing fewer students. And if I do, I'll find ways to widen my influence, like being plugged into a church for sure.
I've determined that I'm going to work my butt off and become the best at this that I can be. I want to REALLY know my stuff and make a real difference.
I was thinking about things that I could do when I'm living in Augusta or Athens, and how it'd be awesome to be able to have high school girls over to my apartment for stuff. I'm learning and will continue learning logistics that go with being responsible - a sponsor for things, like checking with parents and communicating and organizing, etc. And it occurred to me that I am slowly moving from being a needy, dependant child to being a contributing adult. I'm not totally there, and I will never stop needing people. But for example, in Bolivia, I needed the Kienzles to take me in - I clung to that when they held it out. I'm not that needy child anymore. I am becoming the adult who will extend that to someone else now. I am slowly becoming the one who has the wisdom and experience of living. Yes, I'm only 22 but there are many, many people younger than me. And if I keep taking from those older and iwser, I will continue to HAVE to GIVE again to those younger. I love the way the Body works!!

Wednesday, April 7

2010-04-10T17:55:00.000-07:00

On the way to another away soccer game on Wednesday. I keep missing the same classes so today, I made a video of myself for E block.
Anyway, Sarah usually goes around and "catches up" with individual girls to make sure they're doing ok in life and are pumped up for the game. I hit a couple girls today too, which was fun - Esther, Marlee, Joyce, Jiin, Heeyeong. It was nice to talk to them about something other than soccer.
Oh, too many thoughts going in my head - I can't get them out on paper. Maybe it's because I'm listening to a new Ingrid Michaelson CD - Sarah Dainsberg sounds a lot like her.
You know, it's almost 10 hours that I spend on soccer trips like this. And most of them are spent without too much thinking that happens at least about myself. When I'm watching soccer I'm focused on that. Maybe the reason I don't process is because I have a one-track mind. I can't effectively work through more than one thing at a time. And there's always something else that I need to be thinking about.
Andrea, Jenny, Heeyeong. All on my heart for different reasons. Heeyeong's been sitting across from me talking to me for the last 10 minutes - she's a joy. She's really seeking the Lord in her life. She's in Erin's dorm. Jenny just dumped a bunch of deep life stuff on Sarah - had a breakdown of sorts. I feel my nightmare last night was to make me pray for her.
And Andrea - she's on Erin's heart too. She's a diehard Buddhist and doesn't see her need for Jesus. But she is such an incredible person and so fun to have around. So loving and compassionate. It's hard to know that her spiritual heart is empty.

Dealing with Doors, pt. 1

2010-04-06T05:29:00.000-07:00

I'm going to start timing my writing to make sure that I write at least 20 minutes a day. I tell my students they need to read at least 30 minutes a day to improve themselves and I've decided for me, it's writing. I need to express myself. I feel good when I write.

To get into it deeper, there are several reasons why I might have been avoiding writing. The first reason is that it's work. Cuz it is. And today, I worked my butt off for over 12 straight hours. I don't want to work anymore.
BUT...in reality, writing is freeing. It's relaxing, if I let it be.
So, reason #1: BUSTED

Reason #2: It takes too much time. This actually goes into the next reason because I know WHY I think it takes too much time. Also, when I set myself 20 minutes, EVERYBODY has 20 minutes.
So, Reason #2: BUSTED

Reason #3: I have doors that I like to keep closed and they might get opened if I start writing about myself. I can't start writing cuz who knows what might come tumbling out from behind those doors. BUT...I have a processing disorder. No, really. I have a fear and inability to process a lot of things, at least in a timely manner. I need to start dealing with these doors one at a time or things will start festering behind them. Even if it takes time.
So, Reason #3: BUSTED

You know, I was just thinking about how much leadership experience I've had in the last 10 years of my life. Just the sheer volume of opportunities I've had to be in leadership or making decisions or planning or guiding. I'm 22 years old, and I can say without bragging that I have confidence. I still do many stupid things and I still lose it and get overwhelmed and stressed. But I know how hold and conduct myself. I know how to take charge of things. (I know HOW; I'm not the best) I know how to be in front of people. I don't fear a lot of things that a lot of people do or even that I USED to. But I think I've closed a lot of doors in this whole process and I'm a little scared of THEM. And I haven't taken a close enough look to decide whether they were good doors to close - things in me that I don't need anymore, or if they are doors I need to air out regularly - process, think, deal. I saw an intense example tonight of what pent-up emotions can do.
So I'm going to try and regularly go through doors that are part of me and write for at least 20 minutes, 5 times a week. Topics forthcoming.

Today

2010-02-07T06:03:00.000-08:00

I’m going through so much these days. I don’t even know how to process it all. I feel like I’m getting so much input and I have no way to think through it, much less apply it! But the reason is, not only is God continuing to work in my life and place things in my path to teach me, but now I have grown in my desire and pursuit of those challenges and teachings and lessons from Him. So I’m getting them from all sides! My life is DEFINED by learning and growing in Him and I am SO excited about that. It’s funny that I can say that because even while I can sit here and say I’m excited and point to things about which I am pumped, I also must say that I am in a funk at the same time. Knowing more about God means knowing more about yourself and that’s often not a pretty thing. I don’t think I’ve EVER learned so much about myself as I have in the past 3 months of being in a relationship. A lot of things have been neutral – just truths about who I am. And while obviously the fact that because I’m learning to relate to Matt, all these things are about OUR relationship, I have also felt so keenly the sense of God’s hand on my heart, guiding me in relating to HIM. Erin mentioned today that she is seeing more and more why Christ and the church is compared to marriage – marriage truly is the perfect picture of how the church relates to Christ and how true love works.

I am so grateful for Matt. Right now, it doesn’t much matter whether we end up together or not – as flippant and ridiculous as that sounds (because of COURSE I care). I would not give this time up for the world. He has been such a vital part of my life and he has affected me so greatly, that even if we have to go through the pain of separating, it will have been worth it. I will have no regrets. This is exactly where I should be, and all the issues and tough stuff and pain and wounds that I am going through and that we will continue to work through and talk about TOGETHER, are shaping me and are exactly what I feel I need to refine some of the crusty, stale habits and assumptions out of my life. God knows exactly what He is doing. I can already see so much of it and I cannot WAIT to see what else He is doing that I CAN’T see yet. My faith is not on man. It’s on the Lord – what He’s accomplished in the past, what He is doing in the present, and what He’s promised for the future.

Hong Kong Hot Pot

2009-09-17T07:15:00.000-07:00

Downtown Hong Kong is a claustrophobic place to be. The air feels heavy. And hot, of course.

What a crazy conference this is! Technology. Web 2.0. 21st Century. 2.009. Whatever you want to call it. I'm going to learn a lot - hopefully things that will benefit me AND my colleagues back in Korea. However, after going to just the introductory session tonight, I feel like writing on this blog is not enough. I need to be connected in so many other places, apparently! Everybody in the world needs to know what I'm learning and seeing and they need to know it RIGHT AWAY. Apparently, I should be making videos live and uploading them right away and posting immediate feedback on other sites and intertwining everything together with tags and Twitter and Tra-la-las and....sheesh!!! I'll be happy if I can stay alive through this and maybe post a picture and a few paragraphs about the weekend days after I get back!! :) Well, I'm going to TRY and be a 21st century learner and do new things and do my best to triple-multi-task and keep up with 17 different things at once. These are the days I really feel like I was born in the wrong CENTURY. I was happy with paper and pencil, I think. Maybe I'm speaking too soon. So don't quote me. I certainly won't be the next techie guru or anything though.
My eyes are falling shut. They were going cross-eyed from the computer screen. Springy hotel bed, here I come.

Swine, Surprises, and Seventh graders

2009-08-28T05:45:00.000-07:00

Wednesday at TCIS Middle School: Principal and Vice Principal tag team
a demonstration to talk to kids about how to slow the spread of the flu!

So I must have completely forgotten how INSANELY SLOW middle schoolers walk. I took 3 students back to my apartment with me right after school today. I gave them a project that turned out to be impossible so I had to help them out with it a little. My writing classes had to create a specific, detailed rubric for the perfect cookie or brownie and then bring in a sample of the cookie or brownie and have the rest of the class try it and rate it on the rubric. While this is not an issue for most people, I happened to have a group of 3 - 2 of whom claimed that they had no oven in their house, and the 3rd said his mom said he couldn't have people over. So they had no way of "collaborating" on this cookie making. Because I decided I didn't want to deal with it any longer than I had to, especially when it wasn't that big of a project, I told them they could come mix the brownies and bake them in my oven.
1. The 3 of them - 2 boys, 1 girl - went to the store to get their supplies right after school. They came back to meet me with no supplies. "Ms. Gangel, there were people fighting in the store, we couldn't buy anything." Ok, we'll stop somewhere on the way to my place.
2. The 7 minute walk turned into 15 minutes. It seems they are not CAPABLE of moving at a faster speed, no matter how much goading I do! They weren't being ornery, that was just their walking speed! And then they started complaining how far it was....arg. :P
3. Once we got to my place, I remembered they hadn't gotten their supplies so I sent them back out to the store 20 steps from the apartment while I quickly set some things out and made the place 7th grade friendly. When they weren't back after 10 minutes, I started getting worried. So I go to see what's taking them so long. They weren't in the store!!! I immediately started beating myself - NEWSFLASH! 2nd year teacher loses 3 7th graders!* - Of course, their parents knew they were with me, they had signed out at the school so they knew too, and somehow, 20 steps from my house, I lose them! So I start running around my neighborhood calling their names. Nothing. After checking back home once and running out again, I come back and....they're sitting in my apartment. "Where were you, Ms. Gangel?" Completely innocent. They had just gone to a different store, the opposite direction than I ran. *frustrated little sigh*
3. So we get started, after having to change the recipe. Now, I know with 3RD GRADERS, you have to make sure that everyone has an equal share and an equal share and if HE gets to crack, then I get to crack one too and....etc. But I sure didn't expect it to the degree I found it with 7TH graders!!! Wow.
4. Let me just say that this was a very simple recipe with few ingrediants. But I don't think I've seen my little kitchen get that messy in a long time. Even with me monitoring, there was an entire broken egg on the table, flour and cocoa scattered on the chairs and floor - and by the end, even a splatter of brownie batter on the WALL. All you can do is laugh, you know?
5. So Alfred held the pan steady, while Albert held the batter bowl, while Grace scraped. They all got 2 licks from the bowl and then we put the pan in the oven. But during all this, I realized that I don't think any of these kids have used a microwave or oven very much, if at ALL. After helping Grace with my 1-dial, 1-button microwave to melt the butter, I asked Albert to open the oven. Microwaves might all be different but all ovens open the same way. Well, let's just say that I ended up having to open it. :P Where have these kids been?
6. Time to clean up. Gotta get them back to catch the late bus. So I stand at the sink and assign clean up jobs. Alfred and Albert, use paper towels to wipe off the sugar and flour containers and bring them to me; Grace, you bring the dishes to me and wet wipe the table. The poor boys thought I meant them to wipe EVERYTHING with the paper towels, so they proceed to pick up the measuring cups we used and wipe the flour off them. They were going to wipe out the batter bowl too - and probably put it back in the cupboard. No, dears, the dishes we can wash. Just wipe up your mess. :)
7. Don't forget your backpacks there by the chair. No, seriously, Albert, your backpack is by the chair, don't walk out. "Oh I have a backpack? Oh." The walk home takes nearly as long and by the end I have to say, "Boys, RUN. and I mean RUN to catch your bus." Whew. Disaster BARELY avoided. :)

Ok, so that was my Friday. TGIF night.
We've been back at school since Wednesday. And through this quarantine, I've learned that I have serious trouble doing online work, especially from home. I really do not work well at home and storing, doing, grading, planning, everything digitally just confuses me. So I'm glad to be able to be back at my school desk with all my hands on books and planners and sticky notes. Mac Stickies are cool but they just don't compare to the real thing!

It's Here....

2009-08-18T02:22:00.000-07:00

The New Chick-fil-a Chicken Sandwich!!!!!

just kidding. Actually what's here is H1N1. That's right. We're infected.

Last block of the day, I'm making my final announcements to a 7th grade Reading class and over the loud speaker, our vice principal comes on and says, "The Korean Department of Health has found multiple confirmed cases of H1N1 flu virus on our campus and per their requirements, Taejeon Christian International School will be shut down. Starting tomorrow, we will be shut down for anywhere from 2 days to a week."

Pandemonium breaks out!! As if a week and a half of school has worn them down so much! (although it was kind of exciting myself!) So kids were told to leave school right away after the bell rang and the dorm kids had to go and pack up quickly so the dorm staff could escort them to Seoul or wherever their homes were. Teachers were called to all meet together for an official briefing by the headmaster, where he proceeded to tell us not to say anything to the media, who were waiting outside, and to be thinking about how we could start putting curriculum online for kids to continue learning, especially if this goes on awhile. Yikes!

I like the prospect of having extra hours to keep working on my units, which I'm just barely staying on top of, and I especially like the idea of sleeping in a little tomorrow before going to work! However, Dr. Penland warned us that if the Health Department deemed it necessary, we might be banned from going ANYWHERE, including the campus! Whoa. That's when this stops being fun and just becomes scary and boring. (? at the same time? yes.)

So what am I going to do with all this extra time on my hands for the next three days and the weekend? I don't know! We'll see. A list might be forthcoming on this little site. :)

Lights

2009-08-17T04:06:00.000-07:00

Sounds and lights blink on and off
On Off On Off
They're here but they're not
First there and then gone
While a light shines
It exists in its fullness
Once it escapes
It's as though it never was there
But a memory left
Remembered by shadows
Breeds hope of a light
That will come and will stay.

But the light is divided
It's needed elsewhere
Light desires to stay
And improve the dark air
But another room calls
Just as dark as the fist
And the light can't decide
Which is better or worse
So she flickers and dims
And blinks back and forth
On Off On Off

The reason to stay is the need and the growth
To go is the future and family both
The children here need her youth and her life
But what of her hope to be mother and wife?
It seems that's on hold
For as long as she stays
While she's here, all of life
Is just classes and plays
But of course her own drama
Is still going on
And ties her to home
Strings will never be gone.

So how long to stay
When I don't know God's plans?
In three months, what to say?
Am I trusting God's hands?

With a bowl of Mac and Cheese

2009-08-12T01:47:00.000-07:00

writing this post, that is.

I kinda forgot that fall is rainy season in Korea. :) Lots of rain these days. And still lots of heat so it gets really muggy. All the doors and windows were fogged up in the school today.

I've decided I don't really care for the first week of school. We don't really get anything done and schedules change on an hourly basis so you never know who is going to show up in your class. It's a zoo. I can actually start TEACHING next week. But today the kids helped me put up some decorations and we created a large paper Word Tree on the wall. We also did Cool, Exciting, Fun-to-Say Word collages. But just so you get an idea of the culture of some of these Korean kids (not ALL), there were a few who were upset that we weren't "doing anything" today (other than having fun with art). And a few who could not accept that you can do artistic things in WRITING class - whoa. And another kid who asked if I would take points off if he didn't do his part of the poster well. Whoa, calm down, kids. :) Of course, when we get to doing the "real work," as they call it, they'll still buck and complain. Ahh, such is life.

The ceiling in one corner of my room is leaking brown liquid. It doesn't smell yet, but I hope they can fix it soon! I also only have a trickle of hot water for 1 minutes of every 4 minutes in the shower. So I WOULD be taking shorter showers, which would be good, but I'm standing there and waiting for the hot water. Just being stubborn. :)

I found a puzzle of the world map. It's fun and hard.

I went to a Korean class at a downtown church last night for the first time. My friend Stephanie goes but I never had the energy last year. Apparently last night most of the teachers were away so it was a little chaotic and random. The Korean leader also did a salvation lesson or something - read through a handout on the 4 Spiritual Laws. It was so weird and then he called on people to identify the state of their "heart" - out LOUD. AWKWARD! It was like he was trying to bring people to Christ but was just reading the outline and then forcing people to repeat the "prayer" after him. Steph said he was just stalling, hoping for some more teachers and that that doesn't usually happen. Very strange. The teacher I had went a little too fast and I couldn't write everything down which is the only way I can remember things. But I have stuff to study - let's see if I will actually do it!

I've decided to name this new Mac Dorothy. Wallace got sold this summer. He actually had a gender change and became Phyllis, I think. :P TMI? haha

My 7th graders still seem like the 6th graders I taught last year. I guess I forgot how far the old 7th graders had come by the end of the year.

I don't think like teaching 3 classes each day very much. The only thing that's better than the 5 and 1 schedule last year is the fact that I don't have a day where I am worn out from teaching all day. But the random blocks here and there that I have free don't do much for me toward planning. I have a feeling I'll be at school later and more often this year!

Back Online

2009-08-07T17:51:00.000-07:00

Spread the news! Share the joy!! Lyndsey Gangel is back to blogging!! hahaha....

This edition of Lyndsey's Life will not have any pictures because unfortunately I cannot access any of my recent pictures right now. I've switched to a new Mac and not everything is transferring.

So I'm sitting here at my desk in the teacher workroom, staring at how junky and cluttered my desk is already...glad that we're using laptops exclusively and I don't have to have a desktop! TCIS middle school is now a Mac division - although the kinks that come with switching platforms are a nightmare and a headache and a half. Nobody can seem to print or project or access network files...the list goes on. Ahh, the joys of a new school year. :)

I have a lot of work to do before students come on Monday. However, as my principal told me yesterday, everything changes and calms down once they arrive. Somehow certain things minimalize when you finally get into the routine. Right now, I feel like I have a week's worth of work I'm trying to do today and tomorrow. I'm just nervous about making sure I have the routines, procedures, and overviews in my head so kids can start out the year knowing what to expect from me and in my class. 2nd year teaching still isn't experienced enough to know the best way to start. But hey! At least I'm not a first year teacher anymore! I know more than last year!

It's great to be back with these people. To be surrounded by so many different accents and backgrounds and personalities. Everybody definitely just jumps right back in. Only Anna isn't in yet. She is in Switzerland till tomorrow finishing a grad course. And with Erin Curley on the same campus, life is beautiful! She is about as overwhelmed as I am with the schedule RAs have the first weekend but things will settle for her too. She and I have so many things we want to do together here - it's hard to remember that we have basically opposite schedules - whenever I'm off, she's on, and vice versa! It'll be interesting.

I'm determined to do so many more things this year than I did last year. Learn the bus system, go to the gym and run regularly, learn some Korean, stay up and preferably OUT past 8pm on most nights, start developing a MS dance and drama ministry team (yikes! out of my league), write lots - of anything and everything, and hopefully cook some more, although it really is just too easy and cheap to eat out! And Koreans can make Korean food so much better than I can.

10am, Saturday morning. I'm buckling down to work. Peace out.

Shooting the Breeze

2009-01-15T04:12:00.001-08:00

A tribute to today's experience with a dear student, 7th grade, whose parents are missionaries in Afghanistan.
And to my ongoing lessons in true time and life.

"I'm here to visit!" she announces.
The door pulled shut
Against the wind
She heaves her binder to an empty table.
3:06, the bell just rung
The echoing of running feet
Quickly fades
Korean eyes and chapped lips
Peer patiently
"I called my dorm dad" - inviting
Herself further in.
Homework can wait
So can her peers
The moment
Is present
Enough
For the topic at hand
Afghanistan
And the mud huts of mothers
And doctors and brothers
A scrap paper sketch
With boxes for doors
And boxes for trees
Her hands play around
In her pocket is found
A keychain - a tag stitched with love
She learns a new knot for her needle and thread
While stumbling over 'pediatrician'
"I love babies and I want to help people."
Her small round face stays unchanged
But her tongue waggles on
It's good that her heart is so big
Pieces are scattered -
There is so much she loves
She's so small yet so full
"Ah, Miss Gangel, you didn't give homework, right?"
A bounce in the chair
A swing of the legs
And back to the project and topic at hand
The rest has been lost
Hot air doesn't last
But what mattered the most
Was the moment
The present
of Time
In a room full of books and eraser crumbs
And girls with red thread and a need for someone.

Some Autumn Memories from East Asia

2008-12-10T04:39:00.001-08:00

Thanksgiving Dinner - Korean style! You can see the amazing spread - there was SO MUCH FOOD. Wow. Some great American stuff that we don't normally get - like stuffing!!! mmm, and pumpkin pie. However, we had to laugh when right next to the turkey....there was a big bowl of fried rice and plenty of kimchi to go around. Somehow I just didn't want kimchi with my sweet potatoes. :)

The dessert spread!!

Ok, so we all brought a dish to share....and this is what one single guy RA brought....Tom the Corn Dog Turkey. :D

Some kids enjoying the meal!

They were my Halloween/Thanksgiving sugar cookies - sprinkles sent from home!! Turned out great!

7th graders reading to each other - sharing discovery of different versions of The 3 Little Pigs.

Too exciting to stay in your seat!

And no, they were NOT posing! They didn't know I was taking this! :)

Bobbing for apples!! That's Philip, an 8th grader, trying to convince people to be the first one in!

Su Young MIGHT have gotten pushed in! :)

I love the joy on their faces! Even though it was 35 degrees and the water was COLD!! They went for the apples like there was no tomorrow. No shame or stuck-up-ness here! :)

In he goes!!

Middle schoolers having fun!

Steve, trying to make up his mind whether to take the plunge

8th graders, Tamin, Catherine, Yesol, and Chantelle, enjoying their spoils!

6th grader smiles!

There he goes, our illustrious principal Mike Moimoi, decides to dunk his head in the 6th grade apples. That's Jeff in the background, thinking he has the coolest principal ever, which he does.

Oh, he went ALL the way under!!!

Dongue the polar bear, after taking a swim in the Arctic and coming up with some fruit.

8th graders.

Philip with an apple, Sanghyun looks like he's holding Miss Liebe up, and Jin in the foreground looking back at the next victim being dragged up. :)

A 6th grader who bobbed at least 3 times. He thought this was the best activity!!

Cyndy giving me a sweet little smirk. She impresses me every day with her initiative, imagination, and caring, hard-working spirit.

Danny Shin, another very cool 7th grader, who never misses an opportunity to say, "Hi Miss Gangel!!" even if he just saw me 5 minutes earlier. :)
And a very funny moment in the facial expressions of Grant Dewey in the background, our vice principal, Mr. Moimoi's right hand man in keeping our school going as smoothly and wonderfully as he does.

David and his halberd

Nami and Min Jung - with an Arthurian lance and mace.

Joseph, sincere and oh-so-creative. Can you see the Plah Doh knight with armor?

Eugene - might have been having too much fun with that Plah Doh lance!

A table group and their Plah Doh creations - Alexandra, Brian, and Mark

Mindy - middle school Humanities teacher - and a few staff kids who hang around all the time.

My dear girls!!! Sarah, Anna, Jenn, and Sarah - getting ready to play touch rugby!

one of my favorite 3rd graders, Tatiana Gobius, abandoning herself to the thrills of autumn. I mean, when else can you jump off a wall head first?

Shanneth McAllister, a staff kid, taking advantage of the piles of leaves the adjashees (older Korean gentlemen who take care of the school grounds) make each morning

And once again. I fail at life. Actually, I just fail at remembering that I have a blog. My apologies. My dear mother keeps reminding me. :)

The DMZ tour - heart and seoul

2008-10-28T05:52:00.000-07:00

The sofa in our Korean stype hotel room!! (everything is on the floor)

Our little balcony - so cute!!

There's my bed!! Sorta padded...sorta not...but quite warm! (floor heaters)

The DMZ - DeMilitarized Zone between North and South Korea - this is a SK soldier on guard in the TaeKwonDo position to protect us. Yikes!

Blue buildings - SK Big gray building - NK Yeah, that close!

Taking a closer look at that North Korean border and the soldier spying on us

A NK watch tower - we were told not to point, gesture, "or otherwise communicate with the North Koreans"

Looking into NK territory

That's a NK Propaganda Village in the DMZ behind me.

The Bridge of No Return. After the Korean War, people could choose which side they wanted to cross into, but once they did, they could never go back.

My ID pass!!

Photo Line: You can't take pictures of NK from as close as that wall, so the soldiers make you stand behind the photo line, which means you can barely see anything with your camera.

A view from behind the line. Hazy NK.

Anna Tam and Jennifer Hutchinson - both Canadian, and lovely friends!!

Sarah, Sarah, and Mike - some other friends on the trip

Everybody on the bus traveling back from the DMZ!

Restaurant in Seoul - these are Sarah's leftovers...the waiter laughed at our Oompa Loompa creation.

Playing a little game while waiting for food.

Coldstone Creamery!! Only in Seoul, not in our town of Daejeon. A real treat!!

More actual text, thoughts, and words coming - I'm tired tonight. Enjoy!

Pic Link

2008-10-22T04:17:00.001-07:00

This is a public link to some more pics that I posted on Facebook.
Copy and paste into your web browser! :)

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013812&l=6c431&id=118900378

Soccer Jamboree and Canadian Thanksgiving are the orders of the day.

Some pics for my family!!

2008-10-14T04:31:00.000-07:00

Anna's birthday!! I made banana cake with homemade cream cheese frosting!

Lighting the 25 candles....

Up on our apartment roof later to celebrate - with fireworks and sparklers!!!

And bowling to top it all off. I definitely had the lowest score. :)

Anna, Jen, and there's Sarah grinning happily.

Anna, bowling a strike for sure!!!

My weekend with the dear Erin Curley - enjoyed every minute of my time with my college friend!

Let me just tell you. Noodles are NOT easy to eat with chopsticks!!!

At a little theme park in Daejeon, playing around on a playground.

Roaming the downtown streets of Daejeon....and pondering life together...

I still am not very good at keeping my camera with me at all times. But I'll try to keep posting for the benefit of those who can't get on Facebook!!

Mind and Emotions - a tumbling

2008-10-06T05:15:00.000-07:00

I saw a souped-up, tricked-out Mini Cooper today, all bells and whistles. Oddly, it was the first Mini Cooper I’ve seen here in South Korea.

There was a freshness to the air tonight, walking home from school at twilight. With twilight coming earlier and earlier, it is a nice, homey thing to walk home in the gathering dusk at 5:30pm, thinking of dinner in my apartment and a quiet evening. I think it must have been cleaning day in Daejeon because everything seemed picked up and organized. The street corners were passable, the kagaes were swept and stacked, the recycling bin areas were straightened and spiffied up. All in all, it felt like a new beginning to the week. And yet, even with all the freshness – in the air, in the cleanliness – there was a sense of familiarity, as if this cool air had been here last autumn, had gone around the world and now was back, carrying with it all the scents and memories and happiness of fall leaves and family dinners around the world. It was a well-worn and comfortable air.

Certainly a relief from the usual general odor of Korea!

I walked to school this morning with a sense of dread, knowing that I am overwhelmed and not knowing what to do about it. But I always seem to shrug that feeling off by the time I walk home. It’s certainly not conscious because I still know that I am in over my head! But coming home, wherever home is, has always been a relieving thought. Will it continue to be this way, all my life?

But I'm tired, oh so tired. Can I keep living this way after all?

Churrascoria and Norabong

2008-09-26T06:49:00.000-07:00

I know, I know, I don't write enough in here. It's harder to post pictures too so I apologize.

I've been so so tired lately. Even though I get 7, 8, sometimes 9 hours of sleep at night, it never seems enough. I've either digressed to preschool and need a nap time or it's a symptom of getting older. I mean, I AM 21. ;)

It's been pretty hot this week. Yesterday was rainy and it was actually chilly for the first time. THEN, this morning, I woke up to a swept-clean blue sky with that serious autumnal nip in the air! It felt like Thanksgiving!!! (when I'm alone, that holiday is going to be hard for me. It's my favorite family holiday. We don't even get the day off! Maybe that's good...) Oh, I can't explain how my soul leaped for joy when I stepped out my door today. I had a giggle in my heart all day. It was bubbling over and I had to keep reminding myself to not let myself ride on the clouds all day or I was liable to come crashing down hard at some point. (I kinda have to be calm and normal and professional for my students too or they won't know WHAT'S going on!) But I couldn't help just being glad and positive all day. It's just so wonderful after always going home sweaty to be rubbing my arms to keep warm! And they say that it will stay like this till December! Unfortunately, after I come back in January, then we have a while of cold and RAINY, which is not cool. That will also be a hard time of year. But this semester is already going so fast - next spring is going to fly. It always does.

One of my 7th grade students and his family had all the middle school teachers out for dinner - they partner in a Brazilian beef restaurant so we all got to enjoy dinner for free tonight. We actually got out of the city and on the outskirts where there are beautiful rolling hills and a gorgeous lake. We wandered around the grounds of the restaurant on the lake for awhile and it almost felt like I was at the Biltmore estate or something. The lake was low so it reminded me of Lake Hartwell. Not the red clay so much though. :)
Anyway, this Brazilian restaurant was the real thing - skewers of meat just rolling out of the kitchen faster than you can say "Obrigada" (thank you in Portuguese)! Sausage, beef, ribs, pork, even chicken hearts - it was all here. The only way you could tell we were still in Korea was the big helpings of kimchee (pickled cabbage we eat with every meal) that never fail to show up. :P We were so full and I convinced several people to try the chicken hearts, remembering them from Brazil!
Afterwards, 8 of us girls went to a norabong (song room, or karaeoke!). 4 of us were the young new girls to the school but we had 4 older married ladies who decided to leave all worries behind for awhile and let their true selves come out (which is what happens with karaeoke...) it was hilarious to see a mother of 4 and the wife of the headmaster belting some good oldies at the top of their lungs!!

But now I'm even more tired and there is a middle school intramural soccer jamboree/tournament all morning starting at 8:30am tomorrow (on a SATURDAY!) Then I have - surprise surprise - lots and lots of grading and planning to do. So I'm going to get some much needed rest.
I'll try to remember my camera next time I go to the norabong. Peace.

Photo link

2008-09-05T20:33:00.000-07:00

http://www.facebook.com/album.php?aid=2013143&l=590a2&id=118900378

This is my facebook photo album for the Faculty Retreat. Hopefully the link will work!! (easier than posting pictures on here)

Seoul weekend

2008-09-03T05:25:00.000-07:00

Just a few pictures!! This is from our trip to Seoul a few weekends ago. It was a little rainy but that didn't dampen our spirits!! We were out to see the Gyeongbukgung palace so we charged ahead!

Inside the palace....the changing of the guards. They looked pretty awesome in their full-fledged samurai outfits!! They refused to look at anybody. But I guess that happens in Washington DC too. :)

The King's house!! Definitely cool to tour around these palace grounds. It was quite large!

This is a little pagoda that had been built for some purpose during the World Cup when it was held in Korea. Don't know what the Egyptian pose is for though. :P

We stopped at a little tea house for afternoon refreshment - very delicious. And sitting on the floor makes for a cozy setting!

Sleepy Saturdays

2008-08-22T17:03:00.000-07:00

So when it rains here, it pours! But when it's sunny, it's BEAUTIFUL. I think it's beautiful already but people have been telling me to wait for fall. I'm so excited to live in a place that actually has a long autumn season! So not only is it going to be hard keeping kids inside the classroom on those tangy, crisp days, you'll have trouble keeping ME inside!!
I can tell I'm going to be jealous of my Saturdays. Today everyone went to an American military base shopping area but for the whole day. I didn't go cuz boy, did I ever need to sleep in!! I'm STILL yawning! I'm just going to do some laundry and work on school stuff.
Sometimes I wonder if there is a job that I would actually enjoy and that would be fulfilling, that wouldn't require taking it home with me. My LIFE is this school!! I like it for the most part but the fact that I'm always worried about planning wears on me. Sometimes I just wonder if that's part of life, or if someday I could just come home at 5 and read whatever I wanted to read. *Sigh* Oh well.
Week 3 starts on Monday. Seems like I've been here forever and known these kids a lot longer. But I guess that's good, huh?
Not feeling very eloquent today. I need some coffee. Peace out.

Missing

2008-08-16T18:28:00.000-07:00

I'm missing home right now. Maybe it's cuz I'm sick but I want to play Tuesday night soccer. I want to ride my bike on Airport Road. I want to drive past the million banks and the bazillion gas stations in Toccoa. I want to hear our front-loading washer and dryer humming. I want my deck to sit on in the cool evenings and watch the stars come out one by one. And I REALLY want to hug my dad, kiss my mama, and hit my brother in the kidney (softly, of course - lovingly!). It's a poignant feeling, this homesickness. Not gut-wrenching like 6 months ago. My brain, my heart really do believe and know that this is my home now. We start Korean classes in a few weeks and that will be one more step toward feeling even more comfortable. Sometimes I'm a little overwhelmed by everything Korean but all this bowing and respect and customer service is definitely amazing.
So, 5 of us single girls went to Seoul yesterday. On the express train, it's 55 minutes (by car it would be 3 hours). We spent the day exploring Gyeongbokgung palace, riding the subway, eating bibimbab, and shopping on Insadong street. It was all so cool and I would have enjoyed it so much more, but I started getting a cold on Thursday and it hit me full-force yesterday. I bought a huge pack of Kleenex at a pharmacy and by the time I got home, my purse had 60-odd tissues wadded up in it. I got woozy and achy but I made it! Needless to say, I hit the sack and slept a good 10 hours. Laying low today.
I'm coaching elementary soccer!!! I'm really excited about that. I have no idea what I'm doing but hey, blowing a whistle and watching 20 8-10 year olds all rush for the ball sounds like a good way to spend an hour after school. :) One more thing to add to my ever-growing plate.
What other food items should I have stocked in my apartment? I don't know why I can't think of what to buy but it seems so empty. One thing I know - I need to find out where they sell creamy Jiff peanut butter. THAT, I cannot go without. :)
Has anybody seen my Contemporary Choruses piano book? It's missing and that makes me really sad.
Peace.

Rain, Bread, and other things

2008-08-09T01:05:00.000-07:00

So right now it is 5pm on Saturday and I have banana bread in the oven for an apartment potluck in half an hour. Not so sure how it's going to turn it out - didn't have measuring spoons for the baking soda, my bowl wasn't big enough to stir the flour in, and my oven is gas. Oh and I forgot to spray the pan so we might never get the bread out! Oh well.
A storm rolled in while I was baking. Hot, humid, still air, then thunder - VERY close, and now a downpour. I like it here!!!
So watching the Olympics on this Korean channel is actually really cool. I find myself listening to the commentary, even though I don't understand it. And the Korean commercials, especially advertising the Olympics are HILARIOUS!!! Almost better than American commercials, for real. I also just saw one advocating a "Say No to Smoking" message. I love how much soccer they show here too.
Oh, random fact for the day: Instead of set prices for food and haggling for taxis, it's the opposite. The taxis have meters but you can haggle for food in markets. Very different from Bolivia.
Ok, time to go see how that banana bread turned out.
Peace.

Olympics in Real Time

2008-08-08T07:22:00.001-07:00

Guess what I'm doing right now? Yup, watching the opening ceremony of the Olympics! While everyone back home is starting their days, I am listening to a Korean commentator as the nations parade past. Well, without ruining the surprise for you, it's an amazing show!!!!! China really did it up. Earlier, I was in a whole apartment of people oohing and ahhing at some pretty amazing spectacles. Whoa, the Russian Federation flagbearer is really tall!!! And those Chinese Rockettes are tiring out for sure. You'll know what I'm talking about. (they have water bottles attached to those belts)

So I am really loving all that I'm learning. I feel like I've learned more this week than I've ever learned in such a short time. I have to attack things in small chunks because there is so much here in regards to the responsibilities of a teacher but everyone here is still in the process of learning too so that's good. The International Baccalaureate program has been implemented in the high school and primary school and now slowly into the middle school. That means lots of paperwork!! But structure too.

Anyway, I'm rambling. I kinda just wanted to brag that I got to see the Olympics before anybody. :) Food stocking trip tomorrow!!

Peace to all and to all a good night.

Day 5 of 300 something....

2008-08-05T05:08:00.000-07:00

Thank you to those who commented on the last post! Those are so encouraging to me!! Now I feel bad because I don't have pictures to put up yet....I've only taken like, 5. Silly me. I will put forth more effort. :)

Well, the real work is beginning now. Division and department meetings all today and tomorrow, and then classroom work. I still don't really know what I'm teaching, except that I have 6th Reading, two 7th Readings, 8th Reading, 8th Bible, and 7th Sheltered Humanities. Yikes!! And first day is next Monday. Lord, please lengthen the days...and enlargen (sic?) my brain!!!

Random facts: My AC is fixed, I get into my classroom (a portable container stacked on another) by pushing a button, scanning a card and turning a key, I watched a pirated movie tonight, I don't know any more Korean than when I started :P and I had kimchi soup for lunch.

Thanks for stopping by. More to come!!

Jet Lag and Eyes Opened

2008-08-02T15:40:00.000-07:00

(Walking through downtown Daejeon)

Sunday morning, nothing scheduled until 10:30am church service. 5:45am, eyes pop wide open. 6:30am, can't lay in this bed any longer! Boy, do I love jet lag. ;P Well, at least now I have 4 hours to do....whatever I want. :) Actually, I wish this would keep up all school year. Would make mornings easier. :)

Already, my mind has been so opened. This is truly an international school. These last few days of orientation have been a lot of information, facts, and procedures to remember but I would go through this at any school. The difference is that in everything I hear and see, I feel the heart throb of TCIS - ministering to students and creating global thinkers with a solid, Christian foundation and integrity. Many schools are advocating tolerance of cultural differences and in fact, many are doing a good job. But this school was BUILT on respect and the embracing of any and all cultures. 3 days is not a long time but I know that I am already seeing people in a completely different light. I am proud and honored to be part of this school and to be taught by the faculty and students. I have so much to learn.

I feel so close to the new single girl teachers here, even in just a few days. Just in personality differences and realizing how closely I'll be living and working with them for at least the next two years, I am seeing how debilitating selfishness, pride, and bias would be. This puts love and humility into sharp focus for me. I am not the only one called by God to be here. Everyone here has also been led, whatever the circumstances and they are here for a purpose. A divine purpose. Each one has the potential for tremendous impact on students and I realized yesterday how much it is my duty to advocate that and advance that as much as it is in my power to do. Lord, give me Kingdom eyes.

I must mop my apartment today. My feet turn black if I walk around without flips.

Emergency Door Seats

2008-07-31T15:04:00.000-07:00

Plenty of leg room - no view! From the peeks I got out of the airplane window and then driving three hours through the country side from Seoul to Daejeon, South Korea is a gorgeous place. Mountains and mist, islands and greenery, skyscrapers and neon lights. And red crosses on. almost every building! I'm excited to explore.
Orientation today - and hopefully some time to unpack. I hope I get the hang of everything quickly. Then again, I WILL be here for....2 years!!! That's still so weird to me.
The plane flight was great. No problems (except for no window!). I met 2 other girls on the flight with TCIS - and everybody was waiting at the baggage claim! Meeting people was crazy and I don't know how many times I said, "Lyndsey Gangel, 7th grade Language Arts." Many more to come, I'm sure.
Oh, and it was so cool to fly Korean Air. I think better service than American flights. Seriously. They kept feeding us! :) They had Korean dishes (the bibimbab was great!) and glass plates and bowls. Korean characters are everywhere and as of yet mean absolutely nothing to me, but then English is everywhere too. Almost easier than Bolivia because it's clearer (although I could at least guess what the Spanish meant - no chance of that here!)
My apartment is on the second floor - two coded gates and a key and latch for me to come home. :P Adequate size, tiled floors, random furniture, and HOT! Not enough ac for me. We'll work on that.
So many papers and welcomes and people - i don't know what to do with it all!! :) I guess for now I'll just take a shower and try to get ready when I'm sweating. Breakfast at the school!

Late Nights and Delays

2008-07-21T21:43:00.000-07:00

So I don't know why but I am definitely antsy. It's like anticipation but it's not. Actually, more like impatience. It's like, whatever I'm doing, all I want to do is get to the next thing, to move on, get on with things. Everything feels like it "takes too long." Maybe it's just delayed reaction to a long summer with not much happening. Even though 8 days seems so freaking short until I leave, it almost can't come fast enough. Not because I want to leave my family, but because I'm ready for it to finally be here. I seriously hate anticipation.

I can now type in Korean characters on my computer. That doesn't mean I have any idea what I'm saying yet....hmm...dangerous. :)
I'm reminded of the conversation I had with my brother last night. I am willing to take a step in any direction, if God will only lead me TO that step. It's easier to have initiative when granted direction and strength.
We said much else - talking till 3:30am makes for many trains of thought and theory. And lying awake till 4am the night before lends itself also to feelings and ideas a-flurry.

What do you do with 8 days?

Live it up and scramble like mad!!

Random thoughts of a July 4th Weekender

2008-07-06T18:41:00.001-07:00

Twas a lovely 4th of July weekend with the fam. Minus the Bradster. He's still determined to be a Canadian for a few more weeks! :) We saw some mandatory fireworks and had the mandatory picnic. The hamburgers, watermelon, and big family game time came the next night. Try Apples to Apples with 9 Gangels!! Today was the Wimbledon men's championship, which lasted for an exciting 7 hours! I'm not much of a tennis fan but I think we were all on the edge of our seats for this one. The Gardners left and I took off back to camp.
So here I am at the beginning of week 2 out of 3. I missed these girls - I can't wait to swing Maggie tomorrow! However, I will definitely be done parenting for awhile at the end of week 3. :) And now the countdown begins - first for days till I see Brad, then days till I leave. Honestly, I'm getting a little nervous. One of my main fears is that I'll forget something or I will pack wrong but as I was telling a friend earlier, I think that is a secondary fear, behind which is hiding my real fear of simply the unknown. Oh, AND the fact that this is PERMANENT!! *sigh* But I'm ready. There may be things that I will forget or have already forgotten, but I am so ready for this. I'm attacking things completely differently in my head than I did this past semester and I can't even really explain it. It's just different this time.
Anyway, however ready I am emotionally, we have yet to see how ready I will be physically! I only have 5 more days in my house! I haven't even bought suitcases yet. Yikes. Seriously, I'd better have thought of everything else beforehand so that packing is a cinch or I might be pulling another last-night-in-Bolivia all-nighter!!
Yeah, so, anyway, I got really hyper in the car coming up here and called all my friends but nobody could talk so I just blasted some Wicked and looked like a America's Got Talent wanna-be practicing when she thinks nobody is looking. Yeah.
And I would just like to say that Maple Brown Sugar Life cereal now rocks my world. Just saying, is all.
The end.

Raising Daughters

2008-07-01T09:57:00.001-07:00

So it's only my second full day here at Crossroads camp, where I am nannying for Christy Vena's 3 girls and I have seen first hand how much it takes to be a mom!! Especially a mom of 3!! Wow, I'm exhausted and I don't even take of them all the time. But I wouldn't trade this time for the world - they are the best kids, they really are!! Chris and Christy have done such a good job parenting. They are a joy to take care of. It makes me excited to be a mom but only if I can do it the way she does it or how I'm sure my mom did it. Cuz I've ALSO seen the other kids that are here, whose parents are just as wonderful but who raise their kids differently. And it's NOT so much of a joy to be around them a lot of the time. Makes me think twice about having kids. I don't know if I could do it well!!
And as much as Cadie, Jordan, and Maggie love me (and I love them!) NOTHING can replace their mom. Even when the four of us have had fun and they barely realized that their mom was not there with them, I see their need for the mother's love, which I cannot give no matter how hard I try. I don't think it matters how their parents treat them, kids will always ask for their parents when they are tired or scared or hurt. It's a built-in mechanism and they have an automatic, innate trust in their parent(s), at least to some degree, even if the parents do not do good by them. Which makes me want to SHOOT parents who do nothing to earn their children's naive trust. For a child to be betrayed by a parent or treated badly by a parent must be one of the most despicable things in the world. Hallelujah for a Father who will never betray His child. For a Daddy who always catches His sons. For a Papa who successfully protects His daughters.

Birthdays to Babies

2008-04-08T19:18:00.000-07:00

A few more pictures that I've managed to remember to take along the way...turns out I'm not much of photographer. :P
A micro!! The public bus transportation system in Santa Cruz. 1.50 Bolivianos to ride it. (equivalent to like, 15 cents). They have no air, are really smelly, and usually crowded. The drivers are also usually crazy and fast!! Oh, what an experience!

A birthday party for three teachers at the school - they threw it for themselves and hired a mariachi band!! It was pretty fun.

A close up of the band, especially that cool bass in back.

The three birthday girls!!! Kelly (el. principal), Heather (Spanish teacher), and Molly (el. teacher)

Kelly leading the mariachi dance line???? :)

All the "SAM singles" hanging out at Charles and Hannah McCall's house (and baby Lily) and chowing down on any food in sight, which is what singles do best!!

Well, that and play Taboo, and laugh at Katie, I mean, WITH her, haha, shown here.
This is my classroom!! My podium, although I didn't lecture much. Those desks were too much fun to wander around...

Hannah McCall and baby Lily, and Jenny Wulheater and baby Cade - both born while I was here! The Ladies' Bible Study group threw them a double baby shower.

The shower, held in the Trinity Union church, which is open air on both sides. Lovely ladies admiring the babies!!

More to come on a later date, if I can keep this blog thing working and uploading.
Chow for now!

Butterflies

2008-03-22T18:58:00.000-07:00

These are pics from my day at the butterfly garden outside Santa Cruz. It was such a different world - lush and green and beautiful, while inside the city is dirty and dusty. There was so much more than butterflies.
This is the view from the top of the observatory inside the screen dome with the butterflies.
Just outside the dome, we were walking along, looked up, and saw this sloth!! It was pretty incredible. But I didn't get a good shot because it kept moving away from us. Slow and shy!
Sally (school nurse), me, Andrea (elem. teacher), Rachel (ESL teacher), and Heather (Spanish teacher) eating lunch!
Pools you could swim in!! They were connected by little waterfalls and slides. Beautiful!
There were spaces like this all around the park - random hammocks hung up that you could just crawl in and take a nap in the middle of the day if you wanted. :)

This is how we made the half hour trip out - in the back of a pick up!! Wind, exhaust fumes, and dust grit between the teeth. But so much fun!! This is Rachel and Andrea, two awesome girls.
Tried to get some of the scenery.....and failed miserably.

Rock structures through out the park on which orchids were growing - too bad they weren't in bloom!
Walking through the butterfly dome!
It was huge!! If it wasn't so hazy, you could see the city out past all those trees.

It was a wonderful day to just relax and hang out with people. In regards to butterflies, there actually weren't that many. I was told they go through cycles and we must have hit it on an off cycle. So ironically, I have no butterfly pictures in this butterfly post. Oh well.

Lovely People

2008-03-15T18:14:00.000-07:00

A few more pictures! I really need to take more pictures - it's just weird to carry a camera to "work." Most normal people do not do that. :) But I wanted to get more people on here - these people are who have made this experience wonderful!!

Bekah, Rachel, and Jessica - 3 junior high girls in my mission who are very awesome and fun to hang out with. This is a restaurant downtown - notice the classic soda bottles!

Alright, can we say PRICELESS??!!? This is Katherine Strebig - the most precious 5 year old you could ask for. This was at our early St. Patrick's Day dinner - I won a prize for knowing the most Irish vocabulary and since the sunglasses fit her better than me (and looked better, as you'll see from a later picture!), we decided she should keep them.

These are Katherine's two sisters, Elizabeth and Rochelle, and her dad, Dan Strebig. Precious family!

Katie Wells (art teacher), me, and Dana Wilson, who heads up a lot of the ministry at South America Mission. Awesome girls!!

Me and Katie flaunting the fun-in-the-sun glasses we won for being a team in Irish Trivia!! And somehow those glasses tilted the same way my silly smile does!! Oh well...

Broken

2008-03-02T08:31:00.000-08:00

Something's broken through - what is it?
It's freed me from the chains that bound me
bound me to my fear and doubt
It's opened my eyes with a bright brand new vision.

Before I looked
And never saw
Now I see -
My heart in awe.
A wild rose
Burst in bloom
A hyacinth
Fills the room
The sculpted bush
The mango tree
How sunlight fills
the air, and ME.

The darkness has lifted
The blinders removed
His grace alone
Y el Santo Espiritu
My heart is so full
The love feels so new
I trust in the Light
For that's what broke through.

Flooding and Intersections

2008-01-26T06:11:00.000-08:00

I wanted to put up a few more pictures, especially of the flooding. Sometime I'll figure out how to put my frog videos on here.... :)

This is at the youth group party last week - this is Katie Beth, an MK, and Mike Banks, who works with the High Schoolers. That pinata didn't last very long!! There were about 40 kids there that night.

Ok, remember that picture of the school grounds from below? This is a similar view but after the week of rain!! And this is even after the water had gone down a lot!!
The water came up all the way to those sandbags in the door of my classroom!!! We actually didn't put the sandbags there until we came in on Wednesday and found water already in the classroom.....but I guess we'll be prepared for next time!

Ah yes, driving in Santa Cruz. Very typical. Everyone going every direction at the same time. I've always been in amazement that there aren't permanent traffic jams but somehow they always figure it out and pretty quickly too!! Lot of honking but very few accidents.
Even better! A normal intersection crossing. Since there's more road in an intersection, everyone tries to pull around and ahead of everyone else so 3 lanes would turn into 7. But of course, it always gets back to 3 lanes by the time everyone finishes crossing and no one's the worse off! But I've found out that it really is the biggest and the most daring that gets the right of way.....

more pics later.

Bolivia pics!

2008-01-19T10:32:00.000-08:00

Welcome to my first set of pictures from Bolivia!! These are pretty boring - mostly my place, the school, and the youth group party I went to. Soon there should be more close up people pictures. But this gives you an idea of the look around here.
It's pretty hot - except when it is overcast because there is usually a nice breeze blowing! Otherwise, I keep the air conditioning running! It really has been an amazing experience so far and the people are wonderful. I've had so much fun getting to know families and couples and kids. They are very warm and welcoming - I feel very at home already. Virginia (the lady I'm staying with) act like old buddies already. She showed me how to eat a mango (pronounced "mongo") just the other day and I was slurping it down over her kitchen sink!

This is kinda out of order but above is my little half kitchen with counterspace, sink, micro and fridge. I'm standing in the door of the bedroom - these two rooms are it! Oh yeah, and see that line of 2-liter bottles on the floor? Those are my lifeline - I've gone through 13 liters of water by myself this first week!
The other side of the galley kitchen...

These are the steps up to my second story apartment. The small tall building is behind Virginia's house, across the grass a couple steps. Halfway up you can see the door on the left - that's my bathroom! I have to leave the door open or it would be a stuffy sauna in there! So all kinds of fun little creatures who crawl in anytime and chill out in my bathroom! I currently have three geckos who live above the mirror, under the light (which is always on to light the hallway and burn off humidity). They are clearish green and VERY shy. They peek out while I'm showering sometimes. Then there are always the fun little gnats, flies, and the everpresent mosquito. (oh yeah, and all the toilet paper goes in the garbage - not great sewage here! isn't that fun?)

This is the lovely and talented Miss Emily Barlow, my cooperating teacher. She is wonderful and very helpful and I've already learned so much from her. Tough act to follow though!

This is a sidewalk in the inner courtyard of the school, Santa Cruz Christian Learning Center. The grey building you see is a library on the first floor and the chapel and computer lab on the second floor. Classrooms open onto the sidewalk in buildings all around.

Out of order, this is my little bedroom with a door to a small porch on the side. THis room actually looks different now cuz i moved the desk where that bed is so my computer could get wireless. But outside that door on the left is a large mango tree! So I could reach out and pick a mango for breakfast if I wanted!

Well, I am about to go the Hipermaxi, which is basically the Bolivian walmart and pick up more bottled water and some paper towels. More pics later!

Blasted in Bolivia!

2008-01-14T12:33:00.000-08:00

Well, here I am, staring in the face of 3 months in another country. I've had several moments of wondering if I've gone crazy, but so much is good, too. One thing that has floored me and scared me (cuz of how much work for me it means) is how much literature I have NOT ever read! I felt like I was an avid reader and had read more than the average college student - however, there is so much that they now consider essential for high schools that I have never read. So I'm going to have much to keep up on. All the lesson planning scares me and yet it keeps me busy. That's what will get me through the lonely times, I think. Other than that, the people are great and I will make great friendships!
Hopefully, I will start taking some pictures and I will eventually post them on here. We'll see how much time on the Internet I have.
Peace.

Graceful

2007-10-11T13:25:00.000-07:00

My attempt at an alliterative meter poem. I was duly inspired this morning by a Bible study I was doing. My words flow much better in my head in this kind of structure!!! Still a few flaws though...

Everything good is God's grace
Every hand we hold, we have
Because God bestows grace upon grace
So when He says, Sufficient is my grace
You must understand you have more than you need
If salvation alone was the scope of God's gifts
What right have we to whine unsatisfied
He has given us life! His love eternal
This power goes deeper than you can possibly dream
I'm writing, you're reading; what wondrous grace!
You're thinking, I'm smiling; oh thoughtful blessing!
Do you see what He means when He says it's enough?
To each one is a portion; His plan is at work
Each grace is different, but the Giver loves children
Who embrace weakness and bury their bodies
In Christ and His love, crying, dying
And knowing He stands with strength in His hands
A Lamb bound, with blessings forever
Above and beyond what we ask or imagine.

Surfing the Tides

2007-10-10T19:17:00.000-07:00

I could describe the last 48 hours as wonderful. many pleasant things have occured in them. so i've been happy today. and tonight. even in this, hour 3 1/2 of library monotony. my happiness, however, is not based on the good things that happen. as much as my emotions go up and down with the tide, i think my happiness is separate from my emotions. and happiness is separate from joy. I can define and point to all three in my life. I'm not really sure what that means or what the import of it is. What I do know is that I heard last night from a wise woman, "Don't trade peace for happiness. Don't trade security for excitement." Oh, truth.

I'm trying to write an alliterative meter poem right now. I was inspired by Dr. Williams and the structure fits my style. However, inspiriation is also up and down. I don't think i could ever be a journalist. Half my work or more would be crap.

I wonder what would happen if I compared the time I spend thinking about the past with the time I spend thinking about the future. Either one would outweigh the present, I think, which is not so good. I wonder if people ever move out of one stage or the other (past or future). It's a young/old thing. Is there a middle time?

I ate lunch with a friend of mine today, who seems to accept my advice on anything and everything. She sought me out at the beginning of the semester and has been initiating get-together times. I love this and she's an awesome girl but I would never have thought of her (before) as someone that I would ever get to know or who would even be interested in getting to know me. But not only does she apparently want to, she completely opens up and trusts me with a lot of stuff. It's just been a little strange for me and I've had to be careful that I'm not projecting myself or my views on her too much, even though she's asking for them. But with people like this, is where I wax controlling and self-righteous. I need people like CK who are direct enough to come to me and tell me when i'm wrong. Oh, keep me humble.

There's too much to think of and organize. I'm trying to do applications for ISC for next fall, while completing budgets and support letters for SAM for the spring. that's coming way too quick. And yet not quick enough. This time is the worst!! The anticipation is always way worse than the event itself. Just get me there. I want to see if I can really be a world traveler and an international resider.

Distortions and Truth: The Mask Replaced

2007-09-12T10:30:00.000-07:00

So this is what people do with new Mac computers. You can always tell. Distortions and frequent posing for no reason. This is Erin's and you'll just have to decide for yourself whether this is productive, bonding or just stupid. ;)

So can I just say that I don't know what I, as a person, would do without other people. Three things happened in the last 24-hours that have either changed my perspective or affected my attitude about my life. First of all, and the least impactive one, was collaborating this morning in one of my classes with three of my classmates on ideas for activities in a lesson plan. Sounds simple but sometime I dread having to come up with interesting, creative, and productive games. I'm just not that kind of thinker. But working with others really gets my juices flowing and we had a great time! So that's pretty small. But I had a conversation last night with Crystal (Erin part of the time, but she was dozing) about art and language and literature and emotion and expressing self and how all this fits into the life of a believer in Jesus. In talking to her about all this and sharing how I've been realizing that one of my main love languages is physical touch (which I did not realize), I started thinking about what I've been doing lately. I've been focusing a lot on myself. I got so disillusioned with the "mask" and people (myself included) not being truthful that I was trying to be "truthful" to everything about me and IN everything I did. Well, that turns out to be a BAD decision because I've been focusing everything on myself and how I feel and how I react, blah blah blah. It's made everything worse!!! I've been using art, specifically language, to be an emotional outlet for me, but in the wrong way. Crystal and I were talking about the line between using art as a way to reach people's emotions and help them through issues or whatever, but how that fits in with how it's really not about us or emotions; it's about God and His unswerving truth. However, we came to the conclusion that the reason there is such a thing as art therapy among other things and why it's important for Christians is because that's where people go (or one of the places) to find answers. As followers of the Way, we have the TRUE answers; we need to be reaching people IN THEIR NEED and loving them in the Truth!! This can be done in such a powerful way through the arts. So, all this started me thinking on how I use MY art - language and literature. And I realized, like I said before that it's an emotional outlet for me but only as it focuses on myself. I don't use it as therapy for my "nerves" or whatever (which Crystal says she does when she paints) - I end up putting my emotions into words, which sometimes helps but not when I only focus on ME and on my negative thoughts and feelings. I feel like they never go away -that's all I have to write about. I'm not channeling my emotional energy into something productive - I'm simply making myself feel better for the moment. Crystal turns her emotions into a beautiful painting that usually doesn't have anything to do with her negative emotions or whatever she was feeling - it was the actual act of painting that helped her work through those feelings to reach a state of calmness and rationality. This, I need to start doing. I have produced nothing worthwhile except a bunch of venting, emotional, individualistic poems. This is why it hasn't satisfied me and why I've been feeling like I can't find emotional stability. First of all, because I can't look for it in anything but Jesus Christ and His truth. But also because I was actually feeding my INstability by channeling it right back on me, instead of using it for the benefit of others and the glory of God. Phew!! That was a lot to realize in one night (or maybe just to explain in words).

Ok, so the other thing that has happened that I am so grateful for is my time with Carole Shust this morning. We eat lunch together every week - she's mentoring me. I kinda told her a little bit about my revelation from last night and we just went off of that. We had been talking about patience the last time and how really, patience is so much more than just waiting. It is actively "remaining under" (that's the Greek definition or something). It's active!! Patience? Active? Oh yes, it is possible. And beautiful. It's not simply bearing just to get by. It is applying your mind to the state you need to be in, right that minute. So anyway, we started talking about it in another context because I was asking her about a statement I had heard; that "Faith is Application." What does that mean? Cuz the verse that keeps ringing in my head is Heb. 11:1 where it says that "Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the evidence of things not seen." That doesn't seem like application or action to me. It seems like it's just head knowledge. And so many times, I have the head knowledge and I dont' know how to move it to the heart and to action. I know that James says that faith is action, that it should lead to good works. But what about my head? So often, that's where the battle is, which is what I see Eph. 6 referring to, at least in part, where it says that our battle is not against flesh and blood but against the powers of the dark realm. Satan attacks me most in my head!! My thoughts, my knowledge - that's where I stumble the most. So what we figured out was, that faith is always actIVE (adjective) but that it is not always acted out physically. Meaning, Faith is NEVER passive. Obedience is NEVER passive. Trust is NEVER passive. Like I illustrated before, even Patience is never passive! But it's not always in your observable action! How do you act out Trust? By sitting back and not doing anything : "Well, it's all up to God anyway! Gotta just zone out cuz I can't do anything. I'm trusting God!" NO!!! We actively apply our MINDS to Scripture and to the knowledge of who God is, His character and THIS is what brings us peace! Not our inaction because we are told that God is in control; instead, action in our minds. This is how head knowledge should be applied - our minds can be the action. Apply yourself to truth, not just to ignoring whatever it is you're dealing with, or singing loud enough to forget the problem, cuz we're told to have peace. Peace is not ignorance. Peace is found in TRUTH!!!! And Truth is Jesus Christ. Straight up, guys, straight up.

Confusion Populaire

2007-09-09T16:32:00.000-07:00

I can't get my mind straightened out about a bunch of things right now. Maybe a little too deep for something like this but everything that's been thrown at me recently has only served to add to my questions, doubts, insecurity. Especially about myself as a person. I'm not asking "Who am I?" but rather "What do I know about myself that really counts for anything?" Sometimes I tell myself that I think too much, just shut up and live life. But to do that, I would have to continue and succeed at squelching the rebellion in my heart. Yes, rebellion. I don't know how to respond to the things and people around me except the way I always have and I find myself doing it still - good, respectful, caring, intelligent. But it's almost as if there's a little demon on my shoulder watching and laughing cruelly at my attempts to be someone I've always thought is real. The other day, I pulled in next to a black truck and I said, "That truck almost looks like a demon!" And my brother says, "It is." It was so matter-of-fact I couldn't help but laugh. But now I feel like someone else is laughing at ME, as if nothing I do makes sense anymore.

This is so totally seperate from what I feel during classes. There I feel like a machine, who can think and appreciate (most of) the information that is being transmitted and nod and amen at the stuff I'm told I will need desperately when teaching. I'm frustrated with the disjunction I feel between not wanting to be a teacher anymore and the knowledge I know I have to be quite a capable teacher. My emotions, my everyday life, my singular experiences tell me that I don't want to be a teacher, that I barely have enough to exist, that I can't retain what is necessary to make any kind of impact, that I could never withstand the rigors of what I really do desire to do - work with teens. They tell me that I care more about what I'm feeling and the woe-is-me experiences than I do disciplining myself to become the kind of person that I can respect, first of all, and also that others can respect. I'm disappointed in myself every day. And yet I do nothing about it. So can I really say that I believe in God's grace and it's all-sufficient powers and can I really claim that I want it and I'm letting Him bestow it on me? Not so much.

I just feel rejected. It's a phase, I know, but I still feel like everything and everyone is turning me down, even myself. I think I desire change and revolution but then I reject those feelings by not allowing those things to come. I feel all words and thoughts bursting inside me but they come out garbled mumbo jumbo, not expressive of the original. I don't even know what the original is. Truth about myself and others has become relative. I know God's truth is steadfast but it doesn't seem to affect me much or carry over into my life. I asked my dad today how we are supposed to be able to live in the fullness of who God is and in the entirety of His truth and goodness every single day, all the time. He made a good point that we don't - we seek Him in the moments, for what each moment requires of the truth. But this doesn't help me grasp what I feel like I need or want to know right now. I feel like I'm seeking help and truth, but do I REALLY want it? Is that why He is not blessing me with answers? Or am I missing it? And I've done THAT before.

I just wish there was more to me, but that it was less confusing.

Reserve

2007-09-08T10:20:00.000-07:00

Why do girls
See first the eyes
Though eyes are first
In line of sight
There might be rhyme
Behind that quirk.

For me with you
Those pools are veiled
Unfathomed green
Not blue but true
So full of light
They blink polite
Shifting what dark may be...

I'll stare right back
And seek what's there
I want to know
There's more to you
But eyes tell I
If more, I too.

What must you show?
How do I draw
A line to my flaws
But not flaunting who
I think I am
Can I trust you
To draw in time?
I'll fake some patience until then...

Two Eyes on Sunset

2007-07-30T14:01:00.000-07:00

Instant glow on the horizon
Warms freshly as its color
Shadows starkly resonating
Gliding gently down to fade
The sky shrugs down
To cover the blush
And rest for tomorrow’s thunder.

Goodbye, hidden sunlight.

Light blows bated breath
Waiting for the clouds to part
Always at the read to leap through
And shock an unsuspecting hill below
The clouds are slow
But they don’t mind
And dress exuberant when finally moved.

Goodbye, unbidden sunlight.

2007-07-07T08:43:00.000-07:00

Suspension

Waiting in the wings
Tugging on the strings
Giving the heart a squeeze;
Forging on a path
Expending its wrath
On the unseen trails of a breeze.

What breathes there, around the bend
What heaves there, expecting the end
Of the suspension and cable
Which is more than its able
The mind can only hold so much future.

What to prepare for
What might I look for
When I don't know the plans of the Lord?
But I trust in the grace
And I'm in love with the truth
My name in the Lamb's book is stored!

Unwalked

2007-06-06T08:35:00.000-07:00

She smiles for joy
Her madman is found
He spoke the sound
She waited for,
They’re now girlfriend and boy.

She could be sure
Though he says no
To make it so
Seems all lines draw
But is time mature?

Some unknown things
Could scare the crap
Out of any chap
Or a girl, after all
But it seems I have wings

…It’s just one of those things…

No what to expect
Trepidation and fear
Inexperience is near
Also selfishness and pride
What word is correct?

Unwalked is this line
But two become one
If they’re one with the Son
The impossible is reached
For love is divine.

Of Three in One Day: To Gain, Renew, and Lose

2007-02-13T19:42:00.000-08:00

1.
A wall of cold
Was I too bold
For you and rolled
The wrong way, but sudden you grin, not mad
At me, and use my name, I'm glad.

2.
I saw you out there, confused and hurt
We pulled you in and said it's okay to cry
You became one of us, heart and soul, eye to eye
Fun, Mother spunk, you could make a story fly
But then she died, cold and dry you became,
Distant you existed, I missed your eyes for their flame
For those seven other kids, mom and sister the same
But tonight you bounce in
And ask for a pen
We're getting you back for another round, 'nother try.

3.
Strange emotions tugged my heart
Those glorious moments in the dark
But scared of my wrong, I pulled back and wrote
To tell what I meant and to borrow your coat
We came back, it was good, were my fears just a fart?
But we're better off separate and not in the same boat
Tonight the last straw, I hear the last note.

All
What have I lost? What have I gained?
Communion anew, though some motion strained
I've learned and I've loved; stuck my hand in thin air
and saw what it means to just show that you care
I know I will fail and others will too
But nothing beats love; love tried and love true.

In the end, it was God; God is love, He has proved
Everything's changing, but it's me He has moved.

Poems

2007-02-12T16:17:00.000-08:00

Full Circle

Seeds scattered
A life transplanted
She serves Him, seeks
Him, sees Him, knows
Him, and is known
To be of grace and
Gentleness, it seems
That all is right and
Perfect family and
Friends, shown and proven
Character, the values
Embedded of a life
Dedicated.

Surprise and good
Talks to him ever
Seeing more and yet
Not seeing past the
Present which he makes
Of strings, nice strings
Strings feel good, needed
She was; always leading
Keeping silent of her yet
Giving out the wrong parts
Ended up yelling but
Only near his face
Was always there
Deadicated.

Ever to never more
Shore is reached for
In despairing, halfhearted
Attempts where she sees
And shares, unlistened to
Frustrated, then placated
Ever come back to strum
At this fish once more
Than needed, now to
Sever, hurt and pain
Loss or no gain? Strain
Another time around the circle?
Dreadicated.

Sovereign brought in dear
Came along, a moment of perfect
Time and space to cry
And die and try and
Stand that dear stood for
Her strength to lengthen
The days running alongside
Of her endearing she
Took comfort of the faithful
Full prayer, warmth, seeing
The mighty clearly works
His hand for love which she obeys
Dedicated.

Hawk

A brilliant white
A shocking swath
Streaking down, crossing sight
Bearing bellies black as night.

Brazen will
Blazing strong
Across the air, tipping tops
Struggle seeming, never stop.

A sudden slide
A bomb nose dive
Slipping silent, almost thoughtless
Feathers rippling, wings with tautness.

A hawk alone
Hunts by day
A flock of hawks seems out of place
Connecting lives from time and space?

A Squatter's Tale

2007-01-27T11:51:00.000-08:00

I lost my cell phone last night. No, like, not "Which pile in my room did I bury it under?" But really, truly, I lost it. I figured it was gone forever. Here's what happened. I went hiking and campfiring with some friends and we went up to Little Falls. To start a fire, we had to gather wood (thank you, Captain Obvious) so I went off in one direction with my little Maglite and starting making piles to carry back. Later, we squatted around the fire and cooked hot dogs, mountain pies and marshmellows, along with some finger flesh, eyebrows, and knuckle hair. Lots of fun. But anyway, at some point, I realized that moving logs, sliding down treacherous slopes in 3 feet of wet leaves, and squatting were NOT conducive to having left my cell phone in my pocket. It definitely decided to abandon me at some point during those activities. But because I had no idea when or where, I decided not to say anything and make the others look for it, even though they all happened to have blazing halogen lamps strapped to their heads, for which they were only making use of to find spiders in the leaves and ooh and aah over how the spiders' eyes stick out. So with a heavy heart, I kept silent and trudged home, going to bed with the weary and martyrish thought that I would get up early the next morning and go back by myself to look for it, having very little hope. Well, I did just that this morning and as I was hiking back to the falls, i thought that maybe God was trying to teach me a lesson about how not to be dependent on my cell phone. I figured I probably wouldn't find it and I would have to live for awhile cut off from the world. :O ;) ;) I decided it was a just punishment; I would look for it but I would just have to not find it. (a continuation of the martyr theme, idiot that I am) Well, I brought a rake with me and retraced my steps to the place where I had been dragging logs around and falling over myself in the dark and started sifting through the leaves. It seemed an impossible task because the hillside where I had been was big and the leaves were thick and deep. Then a song popped into my head - that old hymn, "All things are possible; Only believe." Well, I certainly didn't deserve the impossible but wouldn't you know, about 10 minutes into my search, I sifted to the bottom of a pile of leaves, and there it was, face down in the dirt (oh by the way, i had brought my mom's cell phone along to call it but it just happened to be on silent, darn it). Still on, a little damp, but unscathed. Jeepers, I probably would have been better off without it and yet God allowed me to find it. Well, I think the lesson still soaked through for me and I will keep that in mind whenever I find myself depending on my cell phone too much.
The moral of the story? 1, Trust in the Lord, not in cell phones and 2, Don't leave your cell phone in a shallow jeans pocket when you're doing things like....squatting. :)
(oh yeah, and the addition of a new Murphy's Law: your phone will ALWAYS be on silent when you lose it!)
The End.

Glorious

2007-01-17T07:46:00.000-08:00

What is this beauty and mystery that is taking shape before my eyes? What is this allure in my mind toward something I never understood before? How easy it was for me to miss truth and yet, how could I? I am so blind. God wants me! I never could see how God could be so desperately and incurably relational. Everything He has done proves His desire for me to know Him. And I’m not talking about just knowing who God is and raising my hands to Him way up there in shiny Heaven (thanks, Matt O). This is down and dirty, intimate, all-stops-out, LOVE.I’ve been learning a lot this weekend. Crossroads Winter Conference in Gatlinburg, TN – workshops, services, discipleship, community – in all, God worked to peel away layers of misguided assumptions about who He is and what this really is all about. Two things really stand out to me – two things my heart cannot keep silent about.
A lot was said this weekend about how our culture tells us to view ourselves. Even in the Christian circle, a lot goes around about self-image and esteem and how we should love ourselves because we are special in God’s eyes and a bunch of other crap. Then there’s more that says, “It’s not about me, it’s about Christ,” which is totally true but what does that mean? If you think about it, there is nothing good in our flesh, so why would we want to esteem it or “believe in it” anyway? But many times, in fact most of the time, even when I think I can claim that I’m doing it all for Christ, I am still thinking of myself. Obviously, I’m not perfect but my point is that the focus should be on who CHRIST IS, not who I am. A speaker from this weekend said something that sums this up: “HE is the Person, we are just the Environment.” (Scott Pitts) He pointed out that we often get that tragically mixed up. He is the life that came to take over mine, it is His righteousness. Since I have no claim to my life anymore, there is nothing I can do. What self of me is there to love or esteem anymore? Goodbye, self-help, -worth, -image, -esteem, etc., books, one and all, even “Christian” ones! I don’t want to know myself, find myself, or any other excuse; I want to know Christ and Him crucified.
The other thing that has just been incredible to learn about this weekend is “glory.” The glory of God. What is the glory of God? Matt Orth gave two messages on this topic, based on John 1:14, and this new perspective has me wheeling. I’m not even sure how to sum it up because there was so much depth to understanding. But I’ve never understood how to glorify God. I mean, REALLY glorify God. It’s something everyone says and everyone assumes to be the highest calling, “…to GLORIFY God…” We say that to live our lives the best that we can, and pray and read our Bibles, and try to love other people, that this is glorifying to God. And it is. But there’s so much more to glory! The Glory is in the grace and truth of Jesus Christ! Why did God reveal His glory in Jesus Christ? To make the Father KNOWN to us! He didn’t send “glory” down to earth so He could get MORE glory from His “subjects” seeing how big He is and worshipping Him and doing whatever He commanded. The point of “glory” is in John 17. There’s a bunch of glorifying going on there but the point is that we can be ONE and be ONE with the Father and be part of the Father’s LOVE. The most glorious act was Jesus’ death on the cross. Doesn’t sound very glorious? Well, it was, because that is what ripped the curtain and brought us into direct relationship with God. Christ was the exact representation of God (Heb. 1:3) so by bringing Him to earth and glorifying Him, we have the chance to truly know Him. We can know Him because He saved us, oh glorious thought! Back to John 1:14 – He was full of grace and truth, which was the exact representation of God and His glory. John is saying, “I saw the glory of GOD in His Son Jesus Christ and it was His covenant LOVE!” We’ve become His children and now we can know the Father and THIS is the greatest glory. Dang it, it’s going to get even better!! 2 Cor. 3:12ff: we can reflect this glory if we live IN CHRIST (Eph. 1) because He is the glory of God. The grace and truth and mercy, etc, that is in Jesus Christ should be reflected in our lives. We are in relationship with the most glorious God imaginable. And what does He want? What is the most glorious thing to Him? Revealing Himself to us so that we can know Him and love Him, because He already knows and loves us. Jeepers!!! This is way better than we thought! Come on! Whatcha gonna do about it?

How, not Why

2006-12-30T13:49:00.000-08:00

You asked me yesterday
If I would trust You
If I would be willing to
Lift the corners of my life
For You to enfold between Your hands.

Now I know “what”
And I don’t need “why”
It’s the “how” I’m swimming in
I am of unclean lips
And I fall short of You
How many miracles must I ask You to do?

Overwhelmed, incapacitated,
Feelings of unworthiness
I look down and wonder “how?”
I know You are able even when I am not
But I am burdened by shackles of doubt.

You and You only are holy
You and You only are worthy
And You gave Yourself for me
I am consumed by the I AM
Now I become part of this Worthy One
And He has made me worthy!!

Reading on the beach?

2006-12-20T21:22:00.000-08:00

I’m thankful we’re leaving for Florida tomorrow. I love being at home but because I live at home during school too, it’s hard to truly relax because I always feel like I should be doing something. It seems like I always have something I have to remember or stress about. Being away from home takes all responsibility away. I think I need that, just for this week.

And I’m so excited that I get to be with my favorite cousins and my wonderful grandparents all week! And that I get to read until my eyeballs fall out…but I’ve found that I read much slower than I used to. That’s bad because I have quite a lot of it to do in the next few months! Too many literature classes…you’d think I was an English major or something! ;)

Ok, so I’m weird, but I was tired of my mouth today. Not because there was too much coming out of it or going into it. But my lips just kept getting in the way. Like, every time I would consciously think about it, my lips would be in some weird position, just sticking out anywhere they wanted to (good thing I was working alone upstairs in the library!). They felt so uncomfortable and I just wanted to tie them up somehow. Ok, so that was the weirdest thing I’ve ever written.

Some Thoughts from Recent Months Past

2006-12-16T05:22:00.000-08:00

July
I’m feeling convicted to give up all of my time and dreams and selfish comforts and toss them to the wind because somebody said it would help another person. Will I see the fruits of my sacrifice? Maybe. Maybe not. Is that enough for me? It should be because Jesus has promised blessings for those who have faith. I think that when the Bible talks about faith, there are several different contexts. It’s all faith in Jesus Christ ultimately, but I was reading this morning about how faith in the future is important and how faith in the coming salvation will be rewarded as well. So maybe another “folder” in Faith is having faith that because Jesus called me to sacrifice and service, He will not let that service fall by the wayside – He will use it for His glory whether I ever see it or not. “Faith is the assurance of things hoped for and the conviction of things not seen.” Heb. 11:1. So I’m giving out something that’s valuable to me – my time – and having faith in sometimes unseen fruit. Does this mean I’ll always do it? No. But I press on towards the goal to attain that for which also I was laid hold of by Christ Jesus (Phil. 3:12). “Be perfect as your Heavenly Father is perfect.” (I forget where that one is). I want to strive so very much. I know I’ll fall, I know it. But because of God’s grace and because I am in Christ, my heart is filled with an “inexpressible and glorious joy” (I Pet. 1:8) which can never be taken away from me!!

August
I’m scared of being real. I’m scared of the work it’s going to take. I was telling this to Bethany last night and I realized (and categorically mentioned) that I am mostly just too lazy to open up. It takes work and most of the time, I’m too selfish to bother. What a hoot. But I know that I’m not going to grow or change unless I’m willing to look and see what needs changing. I’ve seen and experienced that now. I’m afraid of not being changed. I’m afraid of stagnancy. Good grief, just earlier this summer, I was pondering how I was hearing all my friends talk about their fears and thinking that I didn’t have any or at least not very many and wondering how I got off without being a fearful person. Now that has been blown out of the water. I probably have more fears than my friends combined. Did they all just come over the summer? The summer wasn’t that scary. No, I think they were always there and I have just now dug deep enough to see them. Isn’t that weird? I’ve always been too scared to dig deep – that was the only fear I might have admitted to having, and now that I’ve conquered it enough to dig, I’m only finding more shovels full of fears, new ones to face. That’s what I get for my labors. Why does this bother me so much? Why am I being so negative about everything when most of this is run-off from the summer, which was absolutely amazing and life-changing and GOOD? Why am I so full of questions right now when two weeks ago, all I had were ecstatic statements of joy and lessons learned and new thoughts? I’ve written questions all my life and this summer they were finally being answered, I thought. Why am I right back where I was? Nothing had changed when I came back and it’s hard to live changed when your environment is the same old drag that it’s always been. What am I saying? I do love this place and I wouldn’t trade it for the world and I’m so glad I have this, my TFC chapter – a microcosm of CRWW, at least my group.
Why are people such difficult things? Gosh, they’re the most complicated thing on this planet. Is it because God is complicated? I mean, we are in His image, aren’t we? But you know, sometimes I think that the reason I get so negative in these writings and when I just sit and think about things is because life is like pain. Thinking about it and waiting for expected pain is almost worse than the pain itself, when it comes. Same with life. Thinking about it and worrying about what is about to come is way worse than when you are actually in the situation, living in real time. So if we know this, why do we still let it be worse to think about it and worry about it? Because that’s who I am, a thinker, an analyzer, a worrier. I will probably never stop, as long as I’m human.
So, what, then? What comes of all this? I need the body of Christ. In a bad way. I’m seeing my need for people like never before. I always knew that I probably want the approval of people more than is healthy but now I’m seeing that I NEED to be needy – in a good way, but to open up and be vulnerable is to depend on and trust in others. Eef. Here goes nothing.

To Mexico

2006-12-15T20:33:00.000-08:00

Excerpts from my reflections on Mexico letter...
The trip was so much more than I could ever have imagined. It’s hard to imagine in advance what a missions trip will be like and all the experiences that will be involved. I knew the basics of what we as a group would be doing but God took us and accomplished so much more than our human plans. The 48 of us, ages 12-82, arrived at the orphanage in Reynosa Monday morning and were able to immediately start getting to know the children there. There were around 50 orphans, ranging from age 3 to 17 and they loved to just hang out in the courtyard around the building when they weren’t in school – playing soccer, basketball, drawing at the picnic tables, painting fingernails, or just talking. Even though many of us could not speak Spanish, and therefore could not carry on a conversation with a child, our group leader reminded us often of the importance and impact of just loving on the kids – hugging them, playing with them, just touching them – all without words. This could be very frustrating at times when I couldn’t even ask a child a simple question. But our Lord and His love surpasses language barriers, and even being able to learn single words here and there with the aid of the children helped me to connect with them and show Christ’s love by being interested and involved in their lives. One of the things that really blessed me personally was watching other members of the team interact with the children. It was obvious that God really brought to this team people with a heart for children and for that ministry.
One of the coolest things was getting to see the body of Christ at work in a very tangible way. With so many different ages in the members on our team, not everyone was able to do everything. But I saw how the younger members would run around and play basketball with the orphans, ministering to them in that way; and I saw those who were older on our team able to minister by just holding the little orphans on their laps or sewing little bean bags for them or helping cook a great meal. It was truly a real-life example of how there are all different parts of the body and they all have different jobs but the body needs every single one of them to function properly.
I was really impacted by the complete destitution and poverty that we encountered. In addition to working with the orphanage, our team was able to do several outreaches to the slum sections of the city, called “The Colonials.” We would break into teams and walk through the rows and rows of thin, dirty, wood shacks with only sheets for doors. The children (of which there seemed to be an infinite number!) would come streaming out to get candy from us or to grab a person’s hand and just follow along with the group. The leaders who knew Spanish would share with any adults who came out that there would be a service and soup kitchen later on that night. Being in the middle of all this, the reality of the hopelessness and fear that grips this world hit me pretty hard. And yet, at the times when I felt the most depressed by all the poverty, I would see a child smile at me or a mother hug her son and I realized that God is infinitely present even when all seems darkness and destitution. He has not left these people alone. Even though I was not able to do a lot, I saw that if I am obedient to whatever God calls me, every action, no matter how small it seems to me, will further His kingdom. This is exciting to me and just deepens my desire to continue following my Savior as I prepare for the future and seek Christ’s heart in serving others.

A Moment in the Shadow

2006-12-06T16:37:00.000-08:00

O God, you are my God,

earnestly I seek you;

my soul thirsts for you,

my body longs for you,

in a dry and weary land

where there is no water.

I have seen you in the sanctuary

and beheld your power and your glory.

Because your love is better than life,

my lips will glorify you.

I will praise you as long as I live,

and in your name I will lift up my hands.

My soul will be satisfied as with the richest of foods;

with singing lips my mouth will praise you.

On my bed I remember you;

I think of you through the watches of the night.

Because you are my help,

I sing in the shadow of your wings.

My soul clings to you;

your right hand upholds me.

They who seek my life will be destroyed;

they will go down to the depths of the earth.

They will be given over to the sword

and become food for jackals.

But the king will rejoice in God;

all who swear by God's name will praise him,

while the mouths of liars will be silenced.

--Psalm 63

This is why I want to spend a Moment in the Shadow - I want to rest in my Savior. Oh to be consistent in recognizing the need to daily hide beneath His wing! Why do I try to do it all myself? Lord, arrest my heart. I want to give it all to You.

To Begin

2006-12-06T11:44:00.000-08:00

I was reading the blogs of two ladies whom I really admire so I decided to get one of my own, if only to be able to post on theirs. I don't plan on having many people read this but it will be good for me since I have found that I often do not have time to journal on a regular basis. Typing is obviously faster so maybe this will motivate me, even though this will not be my journal. Often it helps to just think life through and write stuff down sometimes.

Who knows what kinds of random things will come out on here? :) I plan on putting in selected, meaningful pictures every once in awhile as well. That's all.